#my parents dont have a room for us anymore cause my dads hospital bed is now in my old room

[fireyturtle]

Got into a screaming match with my roommate so now might get kicked out. She's upset that we told the post office who lives here cause my husband wasn't receiving any mail and the only solution was to tell them who actually lives here. But she says we should've talked to her first cause it's HER house. She thinks the landlord is going to find out we aren't on the lease and kick us out or raise the rent. And like what the fuck else was I supposed to do? Just not receive my fucking mail?

[caz-is-gay]

so. currently actually sobbing bc i made the horrible decision to look through techno’s channel. i saw the gravity mod vid he posted after the announcement that he had cancer. i remember being so happy. sbi content! god. i still haven’t watched the video. yknow the one. a year ago i tried to watch squids video on part of the potato war. i didnt get 3 mins in b4 i heard his voice (he was celebrating!! he was happy!) and started crying. maybe in a decade ill be able to watch it and smile. and ill be able to watch the new one, and old ones and laugh like i used to. i looked through the community posts. he really loved birds, didnt he? i feel so bad for his dad.

june 2022. worst month of my life i think. everything happened at once. on june 1st lizzy was over. i was so desperately in love with her. still in denial about the inevitable friend zone. we went to zydecos grad party! she left halfway through to call her ex. they got back together. the facade was broken. obviously she didn’t like me back and anything romantic with her is a pipe dream. (i mean who would ever love to be attracted to an ugly fat pig like me?) so lizzy is over. im trying to ignore the heartbreak. then i hear the news. techno died. my sister hears it from a friend and tells me. the ppl we have over dont get it. they dont get why it hits me so hard, and god i dont want to explain it. so i pretend im fine. keep hosting, keep being nice. every second is agony! i cry myself to sleep. that had stopped a few months ago. i wasnt suicidal anymore but god. 2 weeks later im starting to back to *normal* levels of summer break depression. my dad finds out. he loved techno. im gone again. my mom fonds out, she doesn’t know who he is., doesn’t know the other 3 ppl at the table have already been grieving. shes lost so many to cancer. “did you hear about that minecraft youtuber who died of cancer? he was only 23, its so sad” i didnt know what to say. “yes i watched him everyday for 4 years his videos were the only thing that could get me to sleep when i started having suicidal thoughts if not for him i wouldn’t be here and now he dead.” yeah.

i still didn’t get over lizzy for months. fantasizing about a life with her was my escape. it was unrealistic and i couldn’t think about her like that anymore. then my dad brought covid home from work. june 23rd, my mom almost dies. thats the worst day of my life. it was mcc day. i was watching it on my tv, because my dad went to see his parents and mom was sick. she had been in bed for days. she got sick a lot. she had bronchitis for 10 years at this point. i was taking care of her. she was obviously delirious. asking me to pour water on her because she was so hot. i didnt know what to do. i waited for so long. i couldn’t deal with this right now i needed to de stress not have more. it got too much, i called my dad and he said she must have high blood sugar. fuck. i looked at her insulin log, nothing written for 2 days. fuck fuck fuck. he told me, if she cant draw her own blood for a reading, call 911. so we did. she could have died. if i waited any longer she could have passed out and stopped breathing. she went to the hospital. medically induced coma, intubated. she had told us many times shed rather die than be on a ventilator. none of us mentioned it. she was in a coma for 2 weeks. woke up, had to be in vent for longer. she was finally extubated. she couldn’t talk but she managed to be sarcastic still. i had to hold back tears. best day of my life.

that month changed the course of my life forever. my disability was most likely caused by the mild covid infection i got b4 my mom got sick. my mom doesn’t have a fungal lung infection anymore. my parents are sleeping in the same room again, and going to therapy. my mom has a cgm and a cpap and is on top of her health.

i cant stand the sounds of artificial breathing after sitting next to her for so long. im more afraid of my future than ever. im still getting over my best friend (fuck being demiromantic man) and i am still crying over technoblade.

[6rookie-writer0110]

Heaven is not waiting for me anymore

Clark Kent x Male!Reader Kent

Request - where y/n is the son of Clark and Lois from the injustice universe. He has kryptonite in his system where he is unable to use his powers because clark (injustice) made an example of him so he can show fear. After that he has been cold to others and distance with people including Barbara who he has feelings for but so much has happened. So he has to relay on martial art from training. with bruce, he also has a bat suit. He also have a deep hatred for his father (injustice superman).

Earth 2- Injustice Universe

You lost your mother Lois because of the Joker. Your father Clark snapped, he became a different person. Now he is starting to kill criminals and doesn't care about anyone or you. He doesn't stand for hope anymore now he stands for destruction. You feel that you lost both of your parents, you don't wear the symbol of hope anymore.

You made a plan to stop your father. You didn't think fully out the plan, but you have kryptonite inside a gun. You are half Kryptonian and kryptonite is still your weakness.

You have been tracking your father, he is about to kill a criminal robbing a bank. But you stepped in and punched him in the face. Everyone saw what you did, they take out their phones and start to record. Now you and Clark start to fight each other.

“You are destroying everything! You are no god!!” You yelled.

“I am a God. Everyone bows down to me and you would bow down to me” Clark said.

You take out the gun, you pulled the trigger. But he used speed to grab the gun and there is one bullet left. Now he will make sure everyone will watch what he will do next. He has his hand around your throat, you are struggling to breathe and tears go down your face.

“Anyone who tries to disobey me or think they can kill me, this will happen!” Clark yelled.

He aimed the gun on your chest and pulled the trigger. Everyone is in shock at what happened, he throws you to the ground. You are in pain and you try to use your powers but can't. Barbara arrived at the scene, she used Batarang to distract him. He left and Barbara picked you up and takes you to the bat cave.

---

A week later...

You have been in a coma for a week, Barbara and Bruce have been taking care of you. You wake up and you see Barbara looking at a computer screen.

“What happened?” You asked.

She turns around and walked towards you.

“You have been in a coma for a week. The kryptonite was close to your heart. You lost a lot of blood and it was too much kryptonite in your system” Barbara said.

You touch your chest and you see the scar. You sighed and she gives you a cup of water.

“Thank you, Barbara. But I have to go” You said.

“Your father thinks you are dead. Don't do anything stupid, you almost died and if it happens again he would kill you” Barbara said.

“He needs to be stopped,” You said.

“I know. But he is stronger than you, you are thinking reckless” Barbara said.

You take out the iv from your arms and take off the hospital gown. She gave you a hoodie and sweat pants.

“Where are you going?” Barbara asked.

“Dont worry about me,” You said.

She watched you walk away and she called Bruce and told him what happened. You went to a rundown motel and you want to be alone. Your father thinks you're dead and he is still killing criminals, no one can stop him.

Days went by, you didn't leave the motel room for anything. Barbara didn't check up on you, she wanted to give you space. And she has been busy with Bruce designing a suit.

You are in bed watching tv, you hear a knock on the door but you don't get up. She starts to knock louder, but you don't move.

“Y/n! Open the door now” Barbara yelled.

You sighed heavily then got out of bed and opened the door.

“What!?” You yelled.

“Are you done with the pity party!?” Barbara asked.

“How did you find me?” You asked.

She walks in and you closed the door. The motel room is a dump.

“Wasn't hard. I put a tracker on the hoodie you left with. I know you still want to stop your dad, so come with me” Barbara said.

“Why should I? Plus he still thinks I'm dead” You said.

“To train. You are still weak if you went to fight him now well he will break like a stick” Barbara said.

“Fine,” You said.

You leave with Barbara, she took you to Bruce’s mansion. You and Barbara have feelings for each other, you told her, and you were going to ask her out but tragically struck. Her feelings for you haven't changed but she wants to be there for you. She wants you to open up to her but you won't.

“Y/n, how are you,” Bruce said.

“Why do you want me here?” You asked.

“To help you train and stop your father,” Bruce said.

“Okay,” You said.

---

Bruce and Barbara started to train with you in Martial arts. Today you are fighting against Bruce, Barbara, and the League of Assassins. Some are friends with Bruce and they agreed to train you. They are pushing your limits, they don't let you rest. Any mistake you make will let you know and make you train harder.

During the night, Bruce is training you with weapons. Barbara shows you how to use the weapons, you did struggle to fight with weapons. Bruce and the league of assassins easily knocked the weapons out of your hands.

After training Barbara would want to spend time with you, but you would lock yourself in the bedroom. She gives you space and she goes back to the bat cave.

“Here is your dinner, master y/n,” Alfred said.

“Thank you. You don't have to call me ‘master’, Alfred” You said.

“Master, y/n you shouldn't hide from the world. Yes, you are going through a tough time but that doesn't mean you can't be happy in the end. You should let yourself grieve for your mother, she was a wonderful woman and she was strong” Alfred said.

“I wish everything didn't change,” You said.

“We all feel the same way. But now you have a chance to create the life you want a new one. what would your mother say right now?” Alfred said.

What made you think what he said, he walks out of the room. You start to eat the food and keep thinking about what he said.

✯ ✬ ✫ ✬

A few weeks later...

Bruce and Barbara have been designing a suit for you. They finished with the suit and they watched you test out the suit. Last few weeks, you were training from dawn until the next day. You mastered fighting with weapons and learned new combat moves. You are still distant from Barbara, two days ago you got into a huge argument with her.

You are still in love with her but you want to protect her from your father. You don't want to see Barbara get hurt.

“What do you think of the suit?” Barbara asked.

You take off the helmet.

“I like it and I can move in it,” You said.

“You are okay with the symbol?” Bruce asked.

“I like it,” You said.

The suit is all black, the Batman symbol is red, the eyes are red, the gloves have sharp claws, and the suit protects you from kryptonite. Barbara and Bruce start to suit and you put the helmet back on.

---

You three found Bruce in the city, you stopped him from killing someone.

“Son, you came back from the dead” Clark said.

“This ends today,” You said.

“I see you are wearing a new symbol -”

“You ruined the legacy of being a Kryptonian!” You yelled.

He used heat vision to attack you but you dodged it. Now Clark is fighting you while Barbara and Bruce are trying to get the citizens away from the fight. Clark punched you and you hit the ground, he used speed to grab you by the neck.

“This time I will make sure you are dead,” Clark said.

“You are not the same father that I used to have. He is dead to me!” You yelled.

You took out, you tased him, and he lets you go. You and Clark used heat vision at the same time, you used more strength to not fall. You throw Batarang at him and it started to explode.

He fell then you start to punch him in the face over and over. All the anger you have for him starts to come out. You take out the kryptonite dagger and you try to stab but he has his wrapped around your hands.

“Y/n! Y/n don't kill him” Barbara yelled.

“He deserves to die!” You yelled.

“That is an easy escape for him! You are much better than him, don't become like him” Barbara said.

Something clicked in your mind.

“I want you to suffer until the day you die. I lost my mom and my father” You said.

You moved away from him and he starts to stand up. Bruce played a video of Lois on the big screen and starts to watch, you your father cry.

The moment where Clark held Lois before she died.

“I can't lose you” Clark cried.

“I will always love you, Clark. I will always remember you and y/n, please be there for each other. He is going need to you. Tell him, I love him...”

You start to cry and it would be the last time you hear her voice.

“Son, I am sorry for the chaos I caused,” Clark said.

“I don't believe you and I will never will. You killed my friend Shazam and many others. You are lucky I didn't kill you because of Barbara. This is the last time you will see me” You said.

You take out the Phantom Zone projector and you sent him to the Phantom Zone.

✯ ✬ ✫ ✬

Time Skip...

You and Barbara became an official couple. She makes you happy and you carrying boxes into her apartment. You are going to live with her and she is very happy about that.

You and Barbara sat on the couch and she gave you a peck on the lips.

“So happy that was the last box,” Barbara said.

“Now we have to unbox everything,” You said.

“How about we go get something to eat and we do it later?” Barbara said.

You kissed her on the lips.

“Sounds good to me,” You said.

Later, you and Barbara spend half of the night unboxing everything. You did use speed to do it faster which Barbara is happy about. You and Barbara would save the city together but you don't kill criminals who rob a store. You would kill if it's a life and death situation only.

[patterns-stuff69]

Dance on my grave

Chapter 3

-----------------------

Me and Shoto had grown really close this week. I felt so sad when I had to go back to class because I wouldn't be able to see  Shoto. His class was going on a camping trip.

I found out these feelings I felt for him was love.

How strange... I thought I would never be able to love someone romantically in my life.

I was staring at the board blankly. I was really bored and lonely. I was strong enough for my nurse to ket me go to class alone.

It was a new thing for me, but I didnt mind.

Mt mental health went down drastically though. The kids made fun of my illness and even shoved me around.

They kept saying that I'll never do anything great because I was so sickly and weak.

It really hurt me. I started to believe those statements. My nurse wondered what was wrong but I never told her.

I didn't want to bother her with my silly problems.

I wasnt worth any human sympathy, so why should I waste her's?

I hide my feelings and troubles from my therapist too. He doesn't even suspect a thing.

I sighed as I wrote down what Present Mic told us to.

I started to feel my eyes fall closed and my breathing became shallow. I passed out at my desk.

I soon woke up in a hospital bed, connected to a heart monitor and life support.

A light went off and a group of nurses rush on with a doctor.

My parents werent there. There was nothing that told me that they visited.

Just as I thought. I was a waste of space. A bother. Not even my parents wanted to see me.

Thwy hate me. Everyone hates me. Even Shoto.

I sighed in relief when the nurses exited. They left me alone with my personal nurse. She turned the TV on for me.

Thwy were talking about Shoto.

I spotted his last name.

It took a bit to click, but when it did, I freaked out.

He's a Todoroki?!

Why didn't he tell me that? Did something bad happen?

I was so surprised. I decided to ask him when I exited the hospital.

Who knows how long I'll stay in this place.

------

I heard that Midoriya was in hospital. He apparently fainted in class due to his oxygen running out.

How dumb could his nurse be?

I sighed as I took my red and white hair out of my face. I wanted to see the TV better.

My heart sank when I heard that I was on the news.

Midoriya would surely know that I'm a Todoroki. That'll scare him off. I dont want that... I've grown feelings for him.

I can't loose him, not yet.

Chapter 4

------------------------

I was out of hospital and back at school.  I feel like Shoto is ignoring me... and it hurts.

I was just walking to the cafeteria when I saw Shoto talking with that black haired girl from 1-A. I think her name was Momo.

Momo was giggling and blushing while Todoroki was looking at her like a boyfriend would.

My heart sank and I just rushed out of the cafeteria. Tears were brimming my eyes.

Why am I crying? Why does it hurt so much?

My nurse tried to follow me, but she couldnt. I ran into the boys bathroom, locking thr door. I went to a stall and closed it's door. I just started ro cry.

Why am I feeling this much pain?

Why does it hurt so much to see Shoto with her?

My heart monitor started beeping loudly.

I guess this had put a lot of stress on me.

What am I going to do now? I thought he cared about me.... but now he's ignoring and avoiding me.

Did I do something wrong?

I knew it.... he was just pretending. He actually hates me and that teddy bear was a fake gift. He didnt want to tell me his last name because he didnt want me to ruin his image.

I should just leave... forever. It'll make everything easier for everyone... especially mom and dad.

My vision was starting to become a lot more foggy and blurry. My breathing became unsteady and really quick.

It feels like something pressing on my chest. Why does it hurt this much?

I started screaming for the first time in the longest time.

It hurts a lot more than my illness. It feels like my heart is shattering.

Am I dying?

Maybe I am... that'll be amazing...

Before I knew it, I was passed out. The last thing I heard was the door unlocking. I saw a blurry face. They had red and white hair.

-----

I found Midoriya's nurse at the boys bathroom. She was looking at me with worried and angry eyes.

She pointed at the door  "Help me open the door... please. He's in there. He looked troubled."

Before I could kick the door down, I heard a scream come from behind the door.

My heart sank and I froze the door handle. I opened the door and found Midoriya on the floor. His breathing was heavy and unsteady. He looked like he was having a panic attack.

"I think he passed out from a panic attack. We need to get him to the hospital." I spoke softly. I didnt want the nurse to know that I was scared. I need to remain strong... for Midoriya's sake.

We were in the hospital a few hours later. Midoriya was hooked up on life support and they had to put him into an induced coma.

I don't know why, but they had to.

I took Midoriya's hand into mine ans sighed shakily "I'm so sorry Midoriya... I dont know what caused you to freak out like this.... but.... it was probably my fault."

I asked the nurses to leave me alone with Midoriya for a bit. I wanted to tell him how I felt... I dont care if he couldn't respond. I needed to tell him.

I was talking with Momo to figure out how to ask someone out. She helped me by being a test subject.

I pretended that she was Midoriya. I confessed to her and she smiled, telling me that Midoriya would love what I told her.

I looked at Midoriya, sighing shakily. I brought his hand up to my forehead, starting ro cry, "I'm so so sorry....Midoriya... please.... forgive me for whatever I did.... I.... I love you so much... I know we've only known each other for a short time now.... but... I'm sure that I've fallen for you... When... when they used my last name on the news... I was scared that you would leave me alone.... just because I was a Todoroki..." I took a breath.

"I started to avoid you.... but... that was a mistake... Midoriya... please forgive me... I know you probably dont feel the same.... but I love you..." I sounded so damn sad and desperate.

Damn it. I promised myself that I wouldnt cry.

I then felt Midoriya's hand tighten on my hand.

I looked up at him, sniffling. I saw that he had a soft smile on his face and tears falling from his eyes.

He was still asleep though. I knew that he heard me.

Thank you....

-------

I somehow heard Todoroki confess to me. I tried to wake up, but I couldnt.

I used all of my strength to squeeze his hand and smile. I felt tears fall from my eyes.

I felt happy and complete.

Chapter 5

------------------------

It's been a month now and Midoriya was awake.

It was a relief to know that. He also accepted my feelings for him. He likes me too, surprisingly.

I felt the happiest I've ever felt in my life.... this is amazing.

I was chased out of his room though. They needed to check up on him and it seems that he doesnt need his personal nurse anymore.

The school is gonna let us share our dorms so that I can take care of him.

I was pretty happy about that. He also seemed way happier.

I was hugging him while he was catching up on work. He looked so cute when he focused. I really like it when he looks like this.

I nuzzled into his back and let ou a hum "Do you need any help Izu?"

Midoriya smiled softly and shook his head "Not really Sho.... I'm doing quite well." He mumbled.

I nodded and kissed his bacl softly before drifting off into sleep.

After a few hours, I felt two arms wrap around me. I opened my eyes and saw Midoriya hugging me. He was smiling softly "Hey Sho..... Sorry for waking you up."

I smiled and shook my head "It's fine. Are you tired?"

He nodded and nuzzled into my chest "Yes.... I'm very tired...." he yawned and closed his eyes, falling asleep.

He was getting tired a lot more easily thesw past few months. I wasnt really concerned about that. He told me that if he didnt feel well that he'll tell me.

I never thought anything of this, until he didnt respond to me the next morning.

I tried to wake him up, but he kept sleeping.

I called the hospital and a nurse who was accompanied with a doctor arrived.

They checked up on Midoriya and they frowned.

The doctor looked at me "He needs to be hospitalized again. His condition has gotten worse."

I tensed up and nodded "A-Alright..."

This cant be happening again. I cant lose him now.

[dylinski]

do 1-100, coward

I AM NO COWARD

anyone who actually reads through all this, god bless you. you can blame leigh @thessaia, i give you full authority.

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

of those three, pandora. although, i prefer apple music.

2. is your room messy or clean?

LMFAO. CLEAN? I DON’T KNOW HER

3. what color are your eyes?

brown, but they’re lighter than that in the right light. almost a caramel with a dark chocolate ring on the outside.

4. do you like your name? why?

yeah, i don’t mind it. its always been there. lol i mean i used to have different nicknames or pretend to be other people. idk i told my parents when i was like five i was going to change my name to Felicia Franchesca Sarahmichelle Lynn. don’t ask. in fifth grade (before dylan o’brien was even famous) i begged my parents to call me dylan and refused to respond to any other name for like a year. also, don’t ask.

5. what is your relationship status?

single as dingle

6. describe your personality in 3 words or less

CHAOTIC, SMARTASS, STABBY

7. what color hair do you have?

answered

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

kia forte, although my dad calls it an orte since the “f” is missing. funny story, i  got pulled over and gave the dude my license and registration and shit but apparently, he didn’t look at it cause he put on the warning “orte” which i promptly laughed my ass off to. if he had given me a ticket i could have absolutely fought that bitch in court in won. SIR I DO NOT DRIVE AN ORTE. IS THAT ITALIAN? DO I LOOK LIKE I CAN AFFORD AN ITALIAN CAR? I DRIVE A FORTE SIR.

9. where do you shop?

ONLINE

10. how would you describe your style?

very idgaf

11. favorite social media account

tumblr

12. what size bed do you have?

full, it takes up my entire room so i couldn’t go bigger if i wanted to

13. any siblings?

answered

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

uk, always wanted to live there idk

15. favorite snapchat filter?

idk what its called but it has this higher temperature tone to it and gives me cute little freckles

16. favorite makeup brand(s)

i don’t wear make up, i used to use stilla (i think that’s how its spelled)

17. how many times a week do you shower?

i usually shower like every other day unless its hotter than a pair of saggy tits

18. favorite tv show?

that changes with the weather tbh. i can’t say i really have one. for a really long time it was supernatural though.

19. shoe size?

womans 11.5 (us) i think its a men’s 9?

20. how tall are you?

5′ 3″ or 160cm

21. sandals or sneakers?

sneakers. god i hate sandals.

22. do you go to the gym?

uh, no.

23. describe your dream date

answered

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

thats funny cause normally i don’t carry cash but i actually have $20 atm

25. what color socks are you wearing?

im not wearing any atm

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?

answered x2

27. do you have a job? what do you do?

not technically? i’m an hourly temp but i hardly get any hours since i cover for the full-time employee.

28. how many friends do you have?

irl: 0    online: too many to count

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?

oh god, i honest to god have no fucking clue. i don’t think about this stuff. i’ve done some stupid ass shit but my short term and long term memory are both shot to tits.

30. whats your favorite candle scent?

i think i answered this one for a different ask game. i hate most fragrances and artificial smells, even non-artifical ones. i got a sensitive sniffer. im chill with like vanilla though if its not too intense.

31. 3 favorite boy names

Dylan (not even cause dylan i’ve just always liked the name idk why), Jeremy, Jacob (the other two are random)

32. 3 favorite girl names

i know these are random as fuck, but i’ve always liked them so shoot me.

Andromeda, Persephone, Franchesca

33. favorite actor?

i like a lot of actors, way too many to fucking name and remember off the top of my noggin. for sanity’s sake, we’ll say dylan.

34. favorite actress?

god, again way too many to count. i can’t even think of any right now even though i know i have some. lets say Emily Hampshire

35. who is your celebrity crush?

answered36. favorite movie?

answered37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

i would love to read but my adhd makes it really hard to concentrate. i’ll have periods of time where i’ll read a bunch its insane and then i’ll just kind of stop for a while idk. i always loved because of win-dixie or a wrinkle in time, bridge to terabithia, and american assassin.

38. money or brains?

brains, then you can work for the money and you know shit

39. do you have a nickname? what is it?

sawahbwear, sassafras, whiskey, sar

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

good lord, i don’t even know. way too many. definitely more than ten.

41. top 10 favorite songs

answered42. do you take any medications daily?

not anymore, i kept forgetting to take them so it fucked me up not being on a regular dosage so i just stopped taking all of them.

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

see, im weird af. cause like my skin is oily af, but also fucking dry and i have shitty eczema 44. what is your biggest fear?

answered45. how many kids do you want?

idfk. i mean for as long as i can remember i always wanted them, but tbh idk if im the type of person to have any…

46. whats your go to hair style?

messy bun

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

small, row house

48. who is your role model?

dont have one.

49. what was the last compliment you received?

probably from michelle i think, or alaina. idk i don’t keep track. unless you consider kiana calling me insane a compliment. 🤷‍♀️

50. what was the last text you sent?

“thankies”

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

tbh, i don’t think i ever thought he was real…pretty sure i could put in time out in preschool for making a kid cry cause i told them leprechauns weren’t real either.

52. what is your dream car?

mustang or challenger

53. opinion on smoking?

conflicted

54. do you go to college?

disappointingly

55. what is your dream job?

no clue

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

rural, but still close enough to shit it doesn’t take me an hour to go places.

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

haven't been to a hotel in a long ass time. i do but i never use them.. FREE SHIT

58. do you have freckles?

yeah, but you can’t see them unless i’ve been outside in the sun all day for hours.

59. do you smile for pictures?

relatively

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?

5604

61. have you ever peed in the woods?

yup, and in a parking lot, and in public.🤙

62. do you still watch cartoons?

i hardly watch tv anymore, but if i did, fuCK YEAH

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

WNEDYS ALL DAY ERRY DAY THE RED HEADED BITCH IS MY HOE OKAY

64. Favorite dipping sauce?

ew, no.

65. what do you wear to bed?

tshirt

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?

answered

67. what are your hobbies?

writing, coding, listening to music??, reading

68. can you draw?

NOPE

69. do you play an instrument?

also no

70. what was the last concert you saw?

like two years ago, circa survive with thrice and a third band idr

71. tea or coffee?

neither

72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

neither

73. do you want to get married?

idk

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?

DO

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?

idk, part of me wants to but most of me doesnt want to

76. what color looks best on you?

i look good in all colors except white.

77. do you miss anyone right now?

yeah

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed cause i still live at home 😖 but if i didnt probably open so my cat could come and go as he pleased

79. do you believe in ghosts?

ghosts, no. spirits, yes.

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?

answered

81. last person you called

my dad

82. favorite ice cream flavor?

mint choco chip

83. regular oreos or golden oreos?

damn, regular.

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

RAINBOW BITCHES

85. what shirt are you wearing?

supernatural. dean and sam with baby

86. what is your phone background?

mitch rapp

87. are you outgoing or shy?

im an ambivert

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?

FUCKING YES

89. do you like your neighbors?

the ones on the right are bearable and the ones on the left can fuck off with their insane semen demons

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

neither, but i should.

91. have you ever been high?

nope

92. have you ever been drunk?

answered

93. last thing you ate?

hot dog

94. favorite lyrics right now

answered

95. summer or winter?

fall

96. day or night?

night

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate?

dark

98. favorite month?

umm, august? idk

99. what is your zodiac sign

aquarius

100. who was the last person you cried in front of?

i don’t remember, it’s been a really long time since i cried in front of someone.

[sicklilspidey]

I Love You 3000 (appendicitis)

It's currently Saturday afternoon and Peter had nothing better to do than sit on the couch and watch movies with his sister Morgan. Peter absolutely loved days like this, between his patrolling and training with his dad, he felt like he didn't spend as much time as he would like with his little sister. Peter started thinking about when he was her age and how different his life was back then. Don't get him wrong, he loves his life now with the Stark's but sometimes he missed his real parents. He also missed his aunt May but knew she had his best interests in mind when she gave Tony full parental rights over him.

“ Look bubba, he touched the butt” morgan said laughing, which snapped peter out of his thoughts. They were watching finding nemo for what felt like the fifteenth time that day. Peter couldn't help but giggle at how enthusiastic Morgan was. Suddenly he got a sharp pain in his stomach which caused him to hiss. It caught morgans attention.

“Are you okay bubba” she asked sympathetically. “Yeah, bug im fine, dont worry about me” he responded trying to reassure her. 

“I'm not a bug, you are” she giggled. “ no silly, it was just a nickname, but you're not technically wrong” he laughed, even though he was still in pain.

“ I think im gonna go get some food, do you want anything” he asked. “ POPCORN” morgan yelled. Peter had never heard here say something that excitedly and he couldn't help but smile. While he was in the kitchen, he searched through the cabinets looking for something to soothe the throbbing in his gut.

“Can I help you find something” the voice made peter jump. 

“Woah kid, i didn't mean to startle you” tony said through his laughter.

 “Dad, you know not to sneak up on me” peter said, face red with embarrassment.

"Your spidey senses off or something” tony asked while ruffling his son's hair.

 “Stooooop, and i don't know, maybe they're just being slow because im tired” peter whined. 

“How could you be tired, all you've done today is watch nemo a thousand times” tony replied.

 “Hey, in my defense it's a good movie” Peter said as they both laughed.

 "Back to my original question since we got off topic. What were you looking for" Tony asked. Peter hesitated. He didnt want his dad worrying about him because he had a stupid stomach ache.

 “Just looking for some tums, all the popcorn we've been eating is giving me indigestion” peter replied. ‘Really Peter, indigestion. That's the stupidest lie ever’ he thought to himself. Appearently it wasnt too stupid because Tony seemed to have bought it. 

“Okay, well if that's the case i'd say lay off on the popcorn then” tony said as he walked out of the kitchen.peter knew he couldn't risk getting caught, he had too much going on this coming up week and he couldn't afford a sick day. He made his way back to the living room and plopped onto the couch. 

“ Hey! Wheres my popcorn” he hear morgan say from the floor.

 “Shit, i'm sorry. I totally spaced it” he replied

“Language “ she giggled. Peter dozed off soon after that.  When he woke up it was dark and he noticed morgan wasn't in the room anymore. He also noticed a blanket on himself. 'mom must have put it on me when she got Morgan' he thought. He went to sit help and realized the pain in his stomach was still there and it had worsened. He decided it would be best to sleep it off. 'Maybe if i get a good night's rest in my own bed it will help' he thought. Little did he know, he couldn't have been more wrong. 

When peter woke up to say he was in agony was an understatement. He was in so much pain he didn't want to move, but he knew he had to. He had a show to put on for people so no one knew that he was sick. He decided he'd skip on his morning patrol, which was unusual for him, he just knew not much would happen in the morning. He made his way done to the kitchen and the smell of bacon hit him like a ton of red bricks. 

"Hope your hungry. I've been cooking for two hours to make sure I had enough for tony, Morgan, you, and that monster you call a metabolism" peper laughed as she saw Peter walked through the doorway. Tony and morgan were already at their usual spot at the table.

"Hey, Albert Einstein called and said he wants his hair back" tony said making fun of his son's bed head.

"Good one daddy" morgan laughed.

"Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week" tony said while bowing. Pepper laughed from the kitchen.

When breakfast finally made it to the table, peter couldn't stand to look at it, but he knew he had it eat it. He slowly forced himself to take bite after bite until he was sure no one would ask him any questions. When he was done he went back up to his room to shower, then he crawled back into bed.

The next few days were relatively the same. Peter would wake up wanting to scream because of how bad his stomach was hurting, he'd force himself to eat, throw up after words and repeat the cycle over and over again.

When he woke up on Wednesday morning something was different. The pain in gis stomach moved. It wasn't all over but now it made itself at home on his lower right abdomen. Peter moaned when he got up and did the routine he'd been doing since Sunday morning. He was about to climb in bed after puking his guts out when tony walked in.

"Hey kiddo, steve and Natasha are here and they want to spar. Get your workout gear on and meet me upstairs" he said before leaving again

Peter sighed. The last thing he wanted to do was spar, but he knew he had to keep the act up. So he got up, changed and made his way to the sparring facility upstairs.

"Hey spiderling, glad you could join us" Natasha said, shooting peter a smile. He nodded in response and went to sit next to his dad on the bench.

"Okay, listen up. Natasha, you're with Tony, and kid, you're with me" steve said walking into the facility. Peter wanted to bolt. He knew there was no way this would end well and he was right.

Peter's spidey sense was on the fritz and he was having a hard time concentrating. He knew he got a few hits in but that's all he could recall before Steve hits his right side at full force. Peter was done, he couldn't hide it any longer. He doubled over and started coughing.

"Woah kid, sorry didn't mean to knock the wind outta ya" steve said making his way to peter. When he made it to peter he froze.

"What's going on over there" natasha asked. When she didn't get a response she decided to go see what was happening herself. "Holy shit, tony you better come help your kid. Im calling bruce down here. I'll have him bring a gurney." natasha yelled while running toward the door. So many things were running through Tony's mind but he knew he had to get to his kid. When he made it to Peter, he wasn't expecting such a horrific site. Peter was now on the ground cradling his stomach and next to him was a small puddle of blood. Tony didn't know what to say he just knew he had to leap into action. 

" Friday, call pepper and tell her we need her up here ASAP" tony yelled.

"Already done sir, Ms. Romanoff and Dr. Banner are coming down the hall also sir" friday responded.

Tony picked peter up and rushed him to the door.

"Tony im so sorry i-" steve started but tony cut him off.

"Not now Steve, I have to save my son" he said with tears in his eyes.

Tony met bruce and natasha at the door and laid peters limp body on the gurney. 

"What is going on, friday said you needed m-" pepper stopped talking when she saw peter.

"What happened?" she asked, tearing up.

"I'm not one hundred percent sure yet but my best bet is appendicitis" bruce said before rushing peter to the medbay.

"Mommy what's wrong with him" morgan cried. " its okay sweetie, he's just got an ouchy in his tummy, uncle bruce and daddy are taking him to the medbay, and they'll make peter all better" pepper told her distraught daughter. "Y-you promise" morgan stuttered. " I promise" pepper replied.

Pepper couldn't help but think how she didnt notice something was off with her son.

"I didn't know, i'm so sor-" steve began to say to pepper.

"Save it steve, i've got to get to peter" and with that she picked up morgan and ran to the medbay.

When she got there she saw four doctors hooking peter up to different machines.

" bruce confirmed its his appendix, they're getting him ready for surgery" tony told his wife. " how could we not have noticed. I honestly feel like i've failed as a father" Tony added while starting to tear up again.

"Don't say that! How could we have known. He was keeping it a secret and he did one hell of a job keeping it" pepper said.

The doctors wheeled peter out of the room and into the OR.

"Mommy, where are they taking him" Morgan asked.

"They're gonna go fix your brothers ouchy and make him all better just like I told you" pepper said.

Time began to pass and both Tony and Pepper were becoming impatient. They just wanted to know their son was okay. Just then Bruce walked into the room.

"Is he okay? Did everything go well? Did save my kid?" Tony started spitting out questions left and right.

"Yes, peter is just fine he's in recovery right now and should wake up in about half an hour. If you come with me i'll take you to him." bruce said.

Before they went anywhere, morgan walked up to bruce and said " Thank you for fixing my bubba's ouchy, uncle Bruce". Bruce couldn't help but smile at the five year old.

When they made it to peter, tony was taken back. He's seen the kid in a hospital bed multiple times because of being injured on the job, but this time it was different. Peter looked so small and fragile, like the smallest gust of wind could shatter him into a million pieces.

Soon peter began stirring and he opened his eyes.

"Hey my little spiderling, how are you feeling" pepper asked.

"I've been better" peter mumbled

" ill say, why didn't you tell us you weren't feeling well. I wouldn't have asked you to spar with us." tony said.

"Tony chill out, he's only been awake for a few minutes. The lecturing can wait. Let's be grateful our son is still here" pepper said.

"You're right, im sorry. I'm really happy you're okay" he told peter. Peter nodded in acknowledgement

"Mommy, can i get up there with him" morgan asked. Pepper looked at Peter, who nodded.

"Yes baby, but you have to be careful" she said picking her daughter up. She set her on the bed. Margan careful made her way up to peters face. 

"Don't ever scare me like that again, mister" she said shaking her finger in his face. Peter smiled.

"Im sorry bug, i didn't mean to scare you. I love you" he said to her.

Morgan grabbed Peter's face and smushed hers against it. "I love you 3000" she responded.

"Wait hey, that's our thing" tony said pretending to be shocked. 

Everyone laughed.

It took a few days but peter healed up quick and was back out patrolling and kicking his dad's ass in training.

[freebooter4ever]

my dad group texted my brother and i, highly unusual, and i think jordan was weirded out too cause his response was equally short and confused. on the list of things my little brother and i have never discussed, our dad’s relative interest or lack there of in our lives is pretty high. dad’s been messaging me since october, asking about stuff like where my next living plans are (which he has never done since i first moved out age eighteen), and i’ve only been vaguely responding to the point blank questions cause its just. so. weird. i think my grandpa’s death has shaken dad’s worldview a bit more than he’s been letting on.

he alienated my brother and i pretty much immediately after his secretive marriage to the bottle blonde rich bitch when i was 22. he kicked my brother out as soon as jordan turned 18, and when i discovered this by coming home one summer and seeing jordan wasnt in the house, i got so fucking mad that it was the first time i ever had a full out screaming match at my dad. and apparently this display of anger was when rich bitch decided she didn’t like me (probably valid, but also ironic because pretty much from birth it was known in my entire extended family that dad and i were almost identical personality wise, and both of us have tempers where we will not get mad at anything but frustration will build up and up until on the rare blue moon it boils over, and oh boy. watch out. those moments were the only times i was ever scared of my dad as a kid and i think it only happened twice in my entire life)(if she thinks im crazy when im angry, she should see my dad)

but i was crazy mad because while i was lucky enough to be put in therapy due to attempting to starve myself into non existence at age 13 (many many sessions of ‘family’ therapy with me in the center of a long couch silently trying to pretend i was invisible and my mom two feet away at one end and dad on the opposite end of the couch, and my mom doing all the talking, ranting and raving about how im starving myself to punish her. and then the therapist kicking both my parents out and trying to convince me to say a few words, and her finally getting me to realize that how my mom treated me was not normal and not something i needed to put up with if it made me sad and scared, and then the therapist realizing that i was still too sad and scared to confront it, and her and i coming up with a compromise where we would tell my mom that i was just ‘really attached’ to dad’s house and it wasnt that i was terrified of living with my mom or liked my dad better, it was that i just really liked living in one place instead of out of a suitcase and moving every week), and so had both the therapist and my dad supporting me when at fourteen i finally said enough was enough and demanded that my dad get full custody so i didnt have to spend every other week with my abusive mother anymore - while i got out of that situation, my brother didnt. i tried, he knew that it was my decision to live full time with dad and i made it clear he could do the same, but just as it was a given that i was identical to dad’s personality, my brother was identical to mom’s so i think he was more attached to her than i was. either way, he always refused and insisted on continuing to live between both of them. after i hit driving age, my dad transferred responsibility to me for shuttling my brother to and from my dad’s house to my mom’s apartment. dad’d lock himself in his room, or go to the gym, and i’d turn on an endless rotation of star wars movies for jordan and i to watch before i had to take him to his next week’s place (phantom menace was our favorite cause darth maul was just cool ok, dont judge).

anyway, the last day i ever stayed at my moms house, my brother was there. and i must have been twenty or twenty one because he would have only been around seventeen. but even at seventeen he was well over six foot five cause he got all the height in the family which was totally not fair but thats besides the point. so while i was there my mom flew into one of her alcohol induced rages, and took it all out on my brother. i had intellectually figured that all the anger my mom used to take out on me had then transferred to my brother once i stopped living there every other week, but up until that point i hadn’t actually seen it. she started shoving him, and punching him, and not enough so it would hurt much, because as i said he was well over six feet and she was barely five six, so he could pretty well block any thing she dished out. but he was cornered, and he looked scared. and i was hiding useless on the stairwell, crying, and begging mom to stop. and it only stopped cause jordan managed to slip out the front door and once he escaped mom went back into the kitchen, still yelling and angry. and i took the chance to grab my school bag and leave in solidarity. and my brother and i stood there awkwardly on the porch, me still crying, and him smoking and trying to look cool and not like he just got chased out of the apartment by a woman half his size. and i promised him we wouldnt go back until she calmed down, and that she was being unreasonable and he didnt deserve any of it, and id figure out somewhere to go. and we started walking down the sidewalk, but not together because we were never that close. he wandered off somewhere to smoke. and that’s as far as i remember.

this day came up in conversation with my grandma in the months after grandpa’s death, during one of our many three am can’t sleep conversations in grandma’s kitchen (grandma would wake up, i’d hear her get out of bed and wake up too. she’d make herself tea and eat some graham crackers and we’d sit together at the table feeling the third empty chair like an ache). grandma brought it up, because apparently, even though i cant remember this at all, i had my no/kia brick phone in my school bag (a minor miracle because i hated carrying around cell phones for the longest time), and i actually called grandma. and grandpa and her came to pick me up, and they found me sitting on a wall a block away from my mom’s apartment, and then we drove around till we found jordan, and then we all went back to my grandparent’s house. after bringing this up, grandma then, completely unprompted, told me something that child me thought about regularly - she said that even though her mom died when she was 8, leaving her to help raise her two younger siblings, grandma thought in some ways it was easier than what my brother and i went through with the divorce and my mom leaving. i used to regularly - not wish my mom dead, exactly - but wish i could pretend she was dead, rather than her just not being there anymore. especially since, when i was suddenly thrown into being her sole emotional and physical punching bag now that dad wasn’t filling the role anymore, a lot of the times being around her post divorce was not a good thing. (I cut off all contact with my mom finally at age 25 and haven’t looked back)

so yeah, i was fucking pissed that i had worked so hard to try to mitigate the damage i caused by leaving jordan alone with my mom for pretty much the entirety of my high school years...only to have my dad kick him out barely a few years after i left for college and thus putting my brother at my mom’s mercy. ostensibly my dad kicked my brother out because of his drug addictions, but my brother was the most mild mannered addict i’ve ever known. the worst thing he ever did was steal a couple hundred dollars from me, but he never got violent, he never got angry. other people got angry at him. my aunt once tried to fight him in a hospital elevator because he sold my cousin heroin or meth or some shit and my cousin ended up impaling a knife in his chest in front of my grandma, which is a whole nother story. but jordan was only nineteen when that happened. my cousin? thirty six. and a long time violent and angry drug addict with a record (he threw a book at his professor’s head and got kicked out of grad school while on cocaine once, which is how he ended up back in washington state and needing a new drug dealer - hence my brother suddenly getting involved) (same cousin later flew into a drug fueled rage in his forties and almost beat his girlfriend to death) (my brother was long since clean by then and had nothing to do with our cousin getting drugs at that point)

all this to say my dad’s rich bitch new wife didn’t think a drug addict and mentally ill artist fit into her picture perfect family, so dad started making it clear we were not welcome at family functions unless we complied with very strict rules. ironically, jordan was let back into the fold first partially because i can hold a grudge for a very long time and i was very very terrified of my mom and dad was the sane stable one and i had trusted him to take care of everything even without me there and dad had failed pretty spectacularly at that. im still bitter at my dad for his secret marriage and subsequent moving into her million dollar mansion and throwing my brother out. but also partially because jordan started following all of dad’s rules, got himself cleaned up (he moved in with his girlfriend, and i think being out of mom’s house had a lot to do with getting over his addictions), started studying computer science, found a really good software engineering job, suddenly dad approved of him. i also partially antagonized rich bitch wife by doing silly things like wearing black leather pants and the most provocative clothes i owned whenever i went over to their house. rich bitch was a very simple narrow minded person with a lot of prejudices. i imagine i was not seen as a good influence on her two younger daughters. and eventually they stopped seeing me altogether. even when i was living in washington for all of 2017 - the only time i ever saw dad was when he’d come visit my grandparents alone. the day before i took grandma on the train to move to ohio, we were supposed to all have dinner together at our family’s favorite place to eat out - crossroads mall - and the rich bitch refused to show up. that’s how petty she is. she also is so dumb she’s under the delusion that kids get into drugs if they don’t have dogs (????) so that’s why she forced my dad to get a dog for her spoiled brat youngest when the girl went into high school. my dad dislikes animals, so i will say one of the highlights of this marriage is seeing my dad become a dog person. the rich bitch and her daughters mostly ignore the dog, but my dad is so attached to max that he even lets the little puppy sit in his lap while driving. anyway, anyone who thinks dogs are the sole answer to preventing drug addictions can go to hell.

yeah, blah blah blah, to sum up its WEIRD for my dad to suddenly be texting my brother and i unprompted, and asking me about my life and my plans. i dont really know how to deal. i miss him. he was always the closest person in my life to the point where even when i moved away for college, i still assumed after i graduated i’d just move back in with dad so it was only four years being gone, cause why would i ever want to live anywhere else?. i kept thinking if i could hit some level of success that he would approve of, that maybe eventually i could become somebody his rich bitch wife would associate with. but that never happened, obviously. 

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Assessment Update (Trigger warning)

Firstly, I am sorry for only just getting around to writing and posting this, I have had another very busy/long day with (haircut plus bloods/ecg and then staying in town to run some errands etc).

Anyway, as you know, yesterday was my pre-admission assessment at the Priory with my consultant (12th June). I am not going to lie, it was very hard to go onto the ward and to be there in general/have the discussions, however I think it was a good thing overall/went a little better than I initially anticipated (?)

The journey there was anything but smooth. We ended up being nearly an hour late due to sink holes and diversions (thank god for dad and a mini mindfulness/breathing book I had with me!!)

Once I had arrived, I had a 20ish minute meeting with my consultant (who is also one of the consultants on the ward) - the EDP I see was meant to be there but she didn’t come in the end *rolls eyes*

She believes that I need a short admission to help push me in the right direction/get me going, and that overall the best place for me to be is in the community

She said that yes she could keep me in for 9 months, get me up to a healthy weight etc etc, but that she does not think it would be beneficial (which is refreshing to hear something that isn’t just focused on weight/numbers)

She agreed that I need to have autonomy. It needs to come from me, not just have things “done” to me. I have proven that I have been able to make some changes in the community in the past and get to better places, so I need to pull from that.

We are initially looking at a 6-8 week admission

With the main focus being on the second ward that they have where patients are in either “progression” or “transition”

Sadly due to my current physical health, I will have to spend a bit of time on the acute ward (if the admission happens), but she did say that we would try to keep it to as short a time as possible due to the environment on there and needing me to get more practical support which happens on the other ward. Although we have to be careful not to slip into old grooves of trying to do too much too soon/expecting too much of myself and putting on a front.

In terms of when there might be a bed, this is an issue, especially as EDU beds are so short at the moment…

She said that the next bed under her is likely not for another MONTH.

Yes, a month.

She said that she was quite worried about my current “frail” state and that there is really no wiggle room at all and that if I want to have an admission there then I need to be holding my own in the community in terms of my weight and bloods not dropping anymore.  

I didn’t post about this before but on Friday afternoon I had a phone call offering me a bed at a unit in London for Monday….I was given 20 minutes to decide whether to take it or not. As you can tell I turned down it down (after talking to a few people) and my parents agreed with my decision, especially with the meeting at the priory only a few days away.

My consultant obviously brought this up and we talked about it for a little bit but yeah it is what it is *shrugs*

After about 20 minutes she took me onto the acute ward and we met with the charge nurse who was able to talk to me a bit more about the ward, what things would be involved in an admission and what would be expected, as well as answering my many questions that I had noted down.

It made me feel quite sad when my consultant described me as having a “severe and enduring eating disorder (SEED)”. idk. reality checks like this really suck.

The admission on the acute side, like I mentioned, would be kept to a minimum, however it all depends on how I am coping and what the staff think is best for me.

She gave me a handout with the timetable on and we talked a bit about how things work on the ward, social outings, the groups etc. which there are a few of, not a huge amount/not very much OT but there are at least some trips out each week and visitors are allowed.

I also had a chance to talk about a number of my worries, including that I tend to put on a front and act the good girl/perfect patient and shut off from staff and not want to make a fuss. She couldn’t answer any questions about meal plans or increasing or stuff like that as it is apparently all done on an individual basis after an initial assessment with the dietitian on admission.

In general though the food is pretty similar to what it was when I was there 6 years ago; you do your menu/have to make choices every morning for the day ahead - one light meal and one main meal - you can choose to have your main at lunch or dinner, depending on what the choices are for the day (it is the same food for the rest of the hospital). You start eating in the upstairs kitchen on acute but then you move downstairs to the restaurant when you are on the full meal plan and managing well enough.

I’m not going to lie, it was very hard being on the ward. very hard. There were a lot of very unwell patients, a number with NG tubes…and, idk, I suppose it brought it home a little more how real it all is?? although at the same time I still feel incredibly numb/emotionless.

After speaking with the nurse for a while, I went over to the progression/transition ward where I was able to speak to someone who is being discharged soon, which was really helpful.

She was so lovely and showed me around the kitchen, talked about how the ward works, her bedroom, the rules, how her time has been etc.

It is similar to when I was there 6 years ago but with quite a lot more in terms of therapy/OT input as well self catering snacks and having your own cupboards for food, having the opportunity to bake with the OT, be more independent etc. (although kind of annoyed that apparently the internet is still terrible there and the lack of signal too - boo)

I am still waiting for the unit to send over the patient handbook they said that they would get to me, which is a bit annoying but I am still suffering from information overload tbh so it is probably a good thing.

It was A LOT to try to take in over a short space of time.

I am still trying to process the whole experience: being on the ward (which I did find quite triggering even for just that short period of time), the other patients, the programme, the opportunities, as well as the potential reality of me actually being admitted.

My consultant was honest with me and said that although I am ear marked for the bed in a month’s time, she cannot promise anything as you never know what happens.

In all honesty, if I was offered a bed there for next week I think I would take it…

However we are talking a month at the very least…

which is quite a long way away and it is really messing with my head and causing me quite a lot of mixed/messy thoughts

The programme itself looks/sounds A LOT better than what I experienced at the Bethlem last year, especially with the acute, progression and transition elements fully “up and running” (when I was there it was quite new) so in that sense is much better.

They also seem a lot more supportive in general/have made changes from when I was there last for the better (?)

To be totally honest I don’t know where this leaves me now. L (EDP) wasn’t there so I won’t see her/talk to her about where this leaves everything until next Monday.

However from our session this week i do know that this does not mean that I can sit and allow anorexia to dictate everything and keep me stuck. As L keeps reiterating to me, I have to be making changes.

It is not that I don’t want to get better, I have just gotten so bloody stuck and feel so trapped and alone.

That is one thing that would be helpful in terms of a short admission - it would hopefully be a push in the right direction that I could then maybe continue from at home in the community. and not to mention that it would also give my parents a bit of a break from everything.

In terms of therapy I dont think there would be any 1:1 due to the short period of time I would be there. Although she did say that the length of admission is always up for discussion and it would all depend on how my OP workers want to work and how I am managing on the ward/if I can transfer it home on leave.

idrk how to feel right now. Or how I do feel. It is all so overwhelming and a lot to try to take in

I don’t want to have an admission but evidence is piling up that staying in the community really isn’t working and every person in my team (as well as my parents) are convinced I will be going in :(

And I suppose that is all there is to say really. I am left feeling a little clearer in some ways but at the same time not so much? it’s messy

and I am beyond tired after two very long and exhausting/tiring days. I know I can’t sit around and wait to try to process everything that is happening but I feel like I really need to press a pause button for a while in order to catch up with myself (which I know is never going to happen)

as we all know, there will always be another excuse or reason to put things off. Another reason why we are ‘different’ to others or why there are other people who deserve support more.

But it is all noise from anorexia to try to keep us trapped and stuck for even longer.

I am so tired of this existence. the thought of another admission terrifies me but not as much as a life time spent trapped here.

I wish that I had a positive revelation to end this on but alas, I have nothing. All I want is my bed and a good night’s sleep right now and some magic answer to whisk this all away (if only eh?). Thank you for all your messages of support and kindness over the past few days, it has meant more than I can express to know that I have not been alone in this x

[seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana]

SE MCs background chapter 10: Abandoned

Abuse is mentioned. It’s not very graphic (or well to me it isn’t because I suck at writing) but it is still mentioned. This chapter is bad at explaining what I had in my head. So, at the end of the chapter, I will explain everything that was supposed to happen, but my writing probably couldn’t explain it well. But enjoy this I guess?? Everything will be explained at the end and honestly it’s probably better than the writing. But anyway enjoy?

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It started off a a normal relationship. Everything was great. Oliver would protect her and make her happy. He would take her out, buy her nice things, and love her. She would do the same too. He even got into her family members hearts. Her dad was proud to see her with a man like Oliver and her siblings began to become friends with him too. It was all...perfect. However, it’s like everyone says. If it’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t. He started to change. He began to spend less time with her. He began to become too rough to her.

“Where are you going? We had plans for tonight!” Sarah shouted at him. “Well, cancel them! I’m going out with my friends,” he snapped back at her. His pink eyes glowed at her and she shut her mouth. Sarah was not one to back down, but whatever he did made her fearful and back down. This went on for some time. One time, it went way too far.

She grabbed his wrist when they were arguing and she couldn’t remember what happened next very well. She couldn’t really recall what they were arguing over either. Her memory was a bit messed up after this. He then grabbed her wrist with his other hand and he pushed her to the ground. However, there was a glass coffee table behind her and she fell on top of it causing it to break. Her head had multiple cuts but none of the glass got caught in her head or other parts of her body. He gasped and even felt bad. He didn’t mean for the coffee table to break. He helped her up and checked her for any wounds and took her to the hospital to make sure. He may have been angry, but he didn’t want her to die.

She turned out fine and he treated her right for the next few days. Obviously, her family began to not trust him. They wanted her to spend less time with him and get distant from him. However, she couldn’t stop. She felt truly in love with him. She stayed around him and went through all the abuse. She wore makeup to hide her bruises and cuts from people. She even hid it from her family. She felt that this was wrong and she felt guilty doing this, but she didn’t want him to get in trouble. She loved him. However, sometimes her family noticed her behavior.

How she would never really want him to come around, how she became weary around him, and how she began to seem...emotionless. When he wasn’t around, she acted happy, but almost everyone she wasn’t. She wasn’t too attached but she always defended him, saying that they didn’t know him like she did, but when she was alone, she doubted everything. It was like she was out of a daze. She hated him. She really did. She tried to end it many times, but he would look at her and she couldn’t go through with it. Her heart was filled with love when he looked at her. It was weird. His eyes glowed and it always happened. She just shook it off everytime and never addressed it. She knew if she did then he would become angry and do something terrible. Whenever she was drunk, he would use her. Use her body. She got drunk often, too often. She told her family that she just wanted to forget everything that was happening. When they asked her to explain, she just joked it off as her being way to drunk. However, she was trying to forget it all. Even if it was just for a few hours or minutes.

She came home one time. He was sitting on her bed. He would come over sometimes and he would stay the night. She began to hate those nights and always tried to make him not come over. But when she told him not to come, he would get angry at her. She would eventually just let him do whatever he wanted. Her first time was with him. She swore that his eyes glowed and she instantly gave in to him. When she woke up, she remembered what she did and began to cry. She didn’t want to give her virginity to him. But it felt like she was forced to. He told her while he was undressing her, “You dont want to disappont me right? You know I love you, right?” He always said those things and made her feel so guilty. It felt like the love was forced, and when she was alone she felt free of that love. She...hated him. But she couldn’t do anything. He always threatened her and told her how he was stronger than her. She put on a mask whenever she was with her family. Even with Zed.

Zed knew something was wrong. He always knew it. So did Christopher, her twin. They always tried to comfort her and make her tell, but she always said, “no, I’m okay! Really, I promise!” They knew she was lying, but they didn’t want to pressure her. This continued for so long. Soon, she began to become his toy. She did whatever he wanted and when asked why she said,

“If I do everything for him, won’t the man I love come back?”

She believed it was her fault that he was like this. Zed got angry and threatened him and almost beat his ass, but Sarah caught him and told him to stop. Zed hated seeing the anger and sadness in her eyes, so he stopped. They always stopped.

However, one night it all changed for her. They had just gotten out of an argument and she was home alone. Her parents were at work and her siblings were at work as well. Zed was with some friends. She was trying to cool off and tell herself that she loved him. Even when she was alone, she couldn’t deny that she did feel some feelings for him. But it wasn’t as strong as it was when she was with him. She was laying down watching tv in the living room to cool off, when she heard something break. It was her window from her bedroom. She ran and tried to hide somewhere. However, her house didn’t have good hiding spots. It’s why they almost never played hide and seek in the house. Before she could run, she felt someone behind her and she turned around and saw the same blonde man Oliver was talking to when they met.

She was going to ask what he wanted, but he put a napkin over her mouth and she began to become dizzy and her world slowly became black. She thought she was going to die before she passed out.

She didn’t know how long she was out for, but she eventually woke up on a cold, hard ground. It seemed like a basement. However, when she looked up, she saw bars. She stood up and looked around. She was in a cage. She ran to the bars and shook them. The spaces between them were too small for her to slip through. She was trapped. “Help!” She shouted. “No one is coming for us,” someone behind her said. She saw a monster. He looked like a fish man and she became terrified. “I know. You’re not used to our looks. But it won’t matter, you won’t remember it one day,” the man said to her. She became confused. How would she not remember a fish man?? Most importantly, how was this possible??

“You’re in a new world. Somewhere where you should not have been able to come too. However, thanks to Virgil, we’re all stuck here.” She saw the sadness in his eyes. She felt bad but before she could reply to him, she heard a door close. It was really loud. She could see stairs diagonally in front of her. They were far away though. She even saw more cages around her. It was like a prison. She heard the footsteps come down the stairs, and she saw the blonde man. “That’s Virgil,” the man whispered. He finally came down and he looked right at her. The man behind her backed up, it seemed like he was trying to hide from him. “What do you want?” She shouted at him. She knew it wasn’t a good idea to yell at her kidnapper, but it didn’t matter. She was hella angry.

He slipped his finger between the bar and lifted her chin up. “You are weak. I wanted to sell you.” He let her go and walked to other cages. ‘Sell me?’ She thought. That was the quickest conversation ever. She continued to call out to him, but he ignored her. She soon heard the door slam once again and her another set of footprints. The man was far down the hall and Sarah couldn’t see him anymore. However, she heard him shout the words that broke her. “Oliver! How good it is to see you here.” Oliver came down and he looked at her. His face was blank and it seemed like he had no emotion when he looked at her.

She felt betrayed. This was the same man that held her so long ago and looked at her like she was his world. ‘Was this why he became distant?’ She wondered. She felt like crying, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t lose her cool and seem weak in a state like this. “Oliver! Help me!” She whispered-shouted to him. He walked closer to her, but instead of getting in front of her, he walked down the hallway away from her. Her heart broke. He...he did this on purpose. He let her get hurt. She slowly fell to her knees. Her family didn’t know where she was, they didn’t know if she was okay, and she didn’t know these people. She was alone.

She was abandoned.

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Okay so. This is what really happened in my head, but I couldn’t write it very well. This is how it happens in order and it contains feelings of Sarah too.

Sarah and Oliver were together for awhile. It was all good and happy. They would go out and just, well, be a couple. However, it was too good to be true.

Oliver began to become distant to her. He became rude to her, and yes, he did make her fall back on a glass table. However, it truly was an accident.

He began to kind of control her. I’ve assumed that charm magic (it’s what kind of magician he is spoiler lol) can make someone be in love and kind of control them. He began to make her only care for him and be around him.

However, Sarah was strong (if it wasn’t obvious bc I mean...she brought back Zosk djwnwb) and she fought him off sometimes. His charm wouldn’t work sometimes, so he always had to use a lot of energy in making her obey. Her family noticed it, but they didn’t know what to do. There was no true proof that he was a magician of any sort, and if they brought it up, they would expose themselves and they couldn’t risk it.

They did care for her and wanted to risk it, but there was no proof yet of him using his magic at all. So, it continued. He even made her not tell them. He threatened to hurt her and her family. She wanted to bring up his eyes glowing (she always noticed it), but she didn’t want him to get angry, as he would either beat her, yell at her, or just threaten her. It scared her to keep her mouth quiet.

But she did love him. It seems so weird to put this out there and it seems like a lie but she did love him. He didn’t force all of the love, he just made it speed up. You know how you go on multiple dates before you date someone and say you love them? Well, no. He sped it up by making her realize her feelings (and making them stronger) by using his charm magic. It was unfair but it’s what he did. So, she did love him, but sometimes her feelings were fake.

She would sometimes break out of it and hate him. It’s why they argued. When she was under his control she always agreed with him and did whatever he wanted, but when she was alone, she hated him and would cry about what he did.

She even did blame herself. She thought she messed up somewhere and made him hate her. It’s why she said “I thought it I did everything he wanted, then the man I loved would come back”.

Yes. He did rape her. Like I said in the story, he basically manipulated her and used his charm to make her want to give her virginity to him. I consider that as rape. It was so unfair but he did use it. He was abusing his magic a lot. Like I said, this story is fucked up, but I don’t know how to write it out properly.

One day they were in an argument and she was home alone. She hated him and was mad at him, but she tried to calm down. It worked for awhile and she began to watch TV. She then did hear someone break a window and kidnap her.

She woke up in a basement and she was in a place with a fish man. It’s like the fish man that’s in Zains route. The one that’s gay (that’s the only way Ik how to describe him) dkwnnw. He looks like that but it’s not the same person.

The man comes down to the basement and he basically doesn’t give her information about why he has her. He just told her that sentence and how he wants to “sell her”. It’ll be explained in the next chapter of what he is selling her too. This place is a very fucked up place. Virgil is basically a fucked up person. I’ll give his character description and sprite later.

Oliver does come to see her but he avoids talking to her. He avoids talking to her because his emotions are fucked up. I couldn’t write it properly, but he did love her. His background hasn’t been released yet, but it is sad and he did love her. Some memories are gonna be coming up in the next chapter of them together and they’re sweet. But it’s when she remembers them in this terrible place.

Virgil and Oliver are working together, and some more evil characters will be released. Plus, this story involves rape, abuse, and other things in the next chapter. I’m not crazy or fucked up, but my MCs background is fucked up hebwbw.

Oliver and Virgil’s background will be out soon. Do y’all think I should put it in the wiki? Like make a wiki and put his background and not explain it in the story exactly? I might do that for all of my characters. Idk.

However, it seems like Oliver is a monster, but the true monster hasn’t really be revealed yet.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. I couldn’t write this chapter good enough because I kinda suck at writing in general but also suck at writing abuse. My head comes up with things but I don’t always know how to write it properly. Anyway, I hope you get the jist of whats in my head. The chapter of Sarah’s childhood memories are coming soon. Idk when. But soon lol.

[the--blackdahlia]

This Life Chapter 16

Title: This Life Chapter 16

Summary:  Dean Winchester is the Vice President of the motorcycle club The Hunters. After almost 7 years in prison, he's free. But things have changed and Dean has to figure out how to put things back together.

Warnings: Language, mentions of drug use, this chapter is pretty sad

AN: Thank you to the lovely @sams-serialkiller-fetish .  The song for this chapter is Come Join the Murder by The White Buffalo & The Forest Rangers

Sam was curled up in the passenger seat of Baby as Dean drove them back to Wolfpine. He had his arm cradled against him and his eyes were closed. Dean kept casting glances over at him. The kid had worked himself up the minute Ellen stepped out of the truck and asked where Benny was. Jim had forced him to take a couple pills from the med kit that Bobby kept in the truck and before Dean knew it, his not so little, little brother was snoring softly beside him in the Impala.

Dean was exhausted. He couldn’t wait to get back to Wolfpine and collapse onto his bed. And he had the pull out couch for Sam to sleep on for the night. Unless he decided that they needed to spend the night in John’s old house. But Dean didn’t think it was a very good idea. Plus, they had the Wayward Sons following them to Wolfpine to think of a plan in case the remaining Horsemen decided to retaliate for Azazel’s death.

Bobby had called in some favors with a couple sheriff’s who owed him a thing or two. Benny’s body would be returned home, and the bodies of Azazel and the henchmen would be dealt with. Jody assured Bobby of that. Bobby could focus then on putting Benny to rest. His dad was currently drinking his way through Atlantic City, and his mom was on her honeymoon with her new husband in Europe. Bobby doubted that either would be there to say goodbye to their son.

And then there was Sam. That kid had been through more trauma in the past year than any of them had. He had watched as a fire destroyed everything, he watched his dad shot in the chest and was left for dead, and then he was chained up to watch as a man who was like a brother to him was shot in the head and killed. Bobby didn’t know about what Azazel had told Sam, and neither did Dean. Bobby didn’t know about Sam’s downward spiral into depression that John managed to pull him out of. Dean was afraid it was going to happen again.

“Sammy.” Dean said gently when he parked Baby in Winchester-Singer’s lot. Sam groaned and slowly opened his eyes. “Hey, we’re at the garage. I thought we could stay here tonight then head to my place tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Sam said softly, opening the door and slowly getting out, stretching his long legs as he did. He had been asleep when they stopped in New Mexico. He didn’t even remember Dean making him get out of the car to use the bathroom and forced him to eat a little something that the medicine in him wouldn’t screw him up too much.

“How’s your arm?” Dean asked, coming around to look at Sam.

“It’s fine.” He whispered, but he was holding it close to him. Dean was sure that it was probably hurting. He followed Sam to the building. He could hear the others pulling in. But Dean knew that Sam needed time away from all of them. Hell, he needed time away from all of them. So they made their way through everything to the room that Dean used to sleep in when he just couldn’t handle being around John, until he got the apartment that was. It wasn’t much. A large bed mainly. But that’s all they really needed. They needed sleep.

“Let me look at that.” Dean said when he closed the door behind him. Sam held out his arm for Dean to check it out. He knew basic first aid. And he knew how to change bandages. He was going to make sure that they were always clean and taken care of. “It looks fine. It should heal nicely.”

“Thanks.” Sam sighed and set down on the bed. “You want the bed?”

“I think there’s enough room we could share.” Dean laughed. “And I’ll even keep my boxers on.”

“God, you’re ridiculous.” Sam said, kicking off his boots and laying back on one side of the bed. Dean kicked off his own shoes and his vest was next. He tossed himself down on the bed.

“God, this thing stinks.” He shook his head, not wanting to know what had been done on this bed. “I’m replacing it once everything is done and over with.” Sam didn’t answer. Dean looked over to find Sam fast asleep. He couldn’t help but smile. “G’night bitch.” He said, turning over and falling to sleep himself.

****

The next morning, there were not alarm clocks. Everyone slept in as much as they could, just enjoying their moments of peace. They knew that war was on the horizon, especially once the other princes found Azazel. They also knew that they were going to have to bury Benny. Bobby had tried over and over again to get a hold of either of his parents, but nothing.

Sheriff Mills came by in the afternoon. Dean was out in the garage, trying to focus on a car to keep his mind off of everything. The Wayward Sons were staying at John’s old home for the night. Bobby had never sold it, figuring that Sam might want it during the summers or something. Or that Dean would get tired of that apartment and want a change. Lucifer, Andy, Gabriel, Ruby, and Meg were all there, waiting for the other shoe to drop and war to break out.

“Dean Winchester.” Jody said, walking up to him. Dean smiled some.

“Hey Jody.” Dean said, wiping his hands on a shop rag. She could tell that his smile wasn’t reaching his eyes though and she immediately hugged him. She might have been on the Hunters payroll, but she was also a friend. That’s what made it a little easier to look the other one every once in awhile.

“Benjamin Lafitte has been released to the North Star Hospital Center.” Jody explained to Dean. “So you guys can arrange…” Dean nodded.

“Thanks Jody. We really owe you.” Dean said. Jody looked up then and smiled some as Sam came out into the garage, favoring his arm.

“Sam.” She hugged him, careful to miss his arm. “Welcome home.”

“Thanks Jody.” Sam said softly. “Hey Dean, have you seen Jim?”

“No, not yet. Your arm hurting?” Dean asked. Sam nodded. Dean was about to say something when some new bikes pulled into the lot. Jody was a little on edge. “It’s ok Jody, they’re friends.” Dean said. Andy took his helmet off and looked over at Sam and Dean.

“You okay?” He asked, walking past Jody.

“I’m fine.” Sam sighed. Jody took this time to size up the Wayward Sons. Andy seemed okay. Meg and Ruby weren’t too bad. Gabriel looked a little rough around the edges. Lucifer was fucking scary.

“I could score you some Demon Blood man.” Lucifer said. “It’ll stop all the pain.”

“Yeah, and it’ll stop him from being a functioning human being.” Ruby hissed. “Don’t even bring that shit around here.”

“Demon Blood?” Dean asked. “What the fuck is that?”

“Street drug and nasty.” Jody told him. “I just had to interview a couple of girls who had been slipped it in their drinks.” Dean watched Ruby awkwardly rubbed her arm as Jody spoke. “Moderation shouldn’t cause any life altering effects. But too much and overdoses can really fuck you up.”

“Can we change the subject?” Sam asked. “I don’t need Demon Blood. Just some low grade, over the counter painkillers and I’ll be good.”

“What happened anyway?” Jody asked.

“I got shot.” Sam said dismissively before he headed to where Ellen and Jo were to see if they had anything.

“Well, I guess you guys have things to attend to.” Jody said. “Let me know when the funeral is. I’d love to pay my respects.” She patted Dean’s arm and offered a small smile. “And tell Bobby to give me a call.” She left then. Dean went to go make the arrangements to have Benny buried. He didn’t want him to lay there and rot because his parents couldn’t give a shit about him. He also needed to research whatever this Demon Blood shit was.

“She was addicted to it.” Andy said to Dean, startling him some. “Ruby was. She was kicked out of her home, lost her job, everything. All she wanted was more of it. But she pulled herself out and is very anti Demon Blood.”

“Why is it called that?” Dean asked.

“No matter what form it’s in, it’s a deep red. It looks like blood. And it causes the user to hallucinate. A very common side effect is they believe they have powers.” Andy looked over at Lucifer, who was talking with Meg and Gabriel. “Lucifer OD’ed on it. That’s why he’s insane.”

“That did that to him?” Dean asked.

“Gabriel said he had a slight mental illness anyway. And he got hooked on Demon Blood. And he just took more and more until his body couldn’t take it anymore.” Andy explained. “Sam got lucky. He took it once and it made him sick and he promised to never take it again.” Andy realized as soon as the words left his mouth, he shouldn’t have said them.

“Wait...what did you say?” Dean asked.

“Nothing.” Andy shook his head.

“Sam took this drug?” Dean asked. Andy sighed.

“Once, as a moment of weakness. Right after Jess died. But he got so sick that the benefits were overshadowed. And he promised all of us and God himself that he would never do it again.” Andy could see the anger bubbling away under Dean’s skin. What else had Sam neglected to tell him? Instead, Dean stormed off, leaving Andy there. He went to find Bobby so they could get ready to bury Benny.

****

The funeral home was quick to have things set up. So it was the next day and they were ready. Benny was prepped and placed in a closed casket. It was sunny and warm. Every trope in movies said it was supposed to rain. So it couldn’t really be a funeral.

It was a graveside service. The funeral home did bring Benny to the cemetery via hearse, and the Hunters and Wayward Sons were the pallbearers. While the Wayward Sons had only known Benny a couple of days, they felt obligated to stand there by the Hunters. Ellen and Jo sobbed. Especially Ellen. She had watched Benny grow up from a chubby toddler to a man.

Sam was one of the first to leave when the ceremony was over. He had to get away. He needed air. So he stormed off, running away to a club of trees where he could sit and be alone. But he wasn’t, because Dean was right behind him.

“Sammy…” Dean said. “We got revenge for Benny and for dad.”

“You think that Azazel planned this all on his own?” Sam asked. Dean was about to speak up. “There are three more princes out there, plus their fucking henchmen. Dean, we have to stop them all.”

“And we will in due time.” Dean said. “We just buried Benny.”

“They won’t care.” Sam told him. “And if what Azazel said is true…”

“What? What did he say to you?” Dean asked.

“He told me that he slept with mom when her and dad were separated and that I have a good chance of being his kid.” Sam told Dean. “I don’t believe but…”

“Dad told me about that.” Dean said. “You’re not Azazel’s son. Even if you were, it didn’t change anything. Dad loved you so much.”

“But…”

“No buts Sammy. You’re a Winchester, that’s all there is to it. You ain’t getting out of this family that easy.” He smirked at Sam, who rolled his eyes. “Come on. I think a trip up to Austin for a burger is in order. My treat.”

“Can we take Baby?” Sam asked.

“Of course. Probably hard to steer your bike with that arm anyway.” They headed back to the others. They had gotten a ride with Bobby. Dean didn’t mention anything about what Andy had told him about Demon Blood. He just wasn’t in the mood to fight with Sam. He got his brother back and he wanted to keep it that way. He didn’t want to push him away.

And a trip to Austin really could do them both a lot of good.

****

Aguila, Arizona

Azazel’s body laid on a table as Asmodeus, Alastair, Ramiel, Lilith, Abbadon, and Dagon stood around. It had been chaos when the princes had came back from a run to Mexico and found their fourth dead on the ground. This just stunk of Hunters. Alastair was sure of it.

“They’re all dead.” Asmodeus finally said. “The Hunters have to be exterminated.”

“What do we do?” Ramiel asked.

“We slaughter them like the pigs they are.” Lilith hissed. She held Azazel’s favorite pistol in her hands. “I want to kill at least one of them.”

“Lil, just breathe.” Abbadon said. She looked at the others.

“Actually, I think it would be a fantastic idea to include the girls.” Alastair said. “They have a moral code. They’re not going to willingly shoot women. And they don’t have women in their group. It would be the perfect distraction.”

“Then let’s get ready.” Asmodeus announced. “I want the Hunters dead by the end of the week.”

Forever Tags: @anathewierdo @i-would-die-for-woodland-demars @dekahg @marvel-af @feelmyroarrrr @nanie5 @imboredsueme @gemini0410 @aiaranradnay @babypink224221 @mogaruke @xxwarhawk

Dean Winchester/Jensen Ackles  Tags: @luciathewinchestergirl @sheris532 @bobasheebaby @flamencodiva @bella-ca

This Life Tags: @soulslaststand @jamielea81 @caplansteverogers @becs-bunker @colie87

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[merlinthoughts]

Season 1 Episode 4 - The Poisoned Chalice

- god fucking dammit here we go again, i'm bloody done with my life and do not, at all, want to see merlin die bc i don't remember anything except that, yeah, he dies and someone has to get off their ass and save the motherfucking day and kiss him

- i realise how much i swear in these posts bc 1. when do i not? 2. i'm emotionally invested 3. i have no other excuse i just like swearing

- AAAND NIMUEHS IN CAMELOT SHE THINKS SHE'S SO SLY WITH HER HEAD THING

- id recognise her in a split second tbfh, she aint subtle

- *heterosexual tension*

- merlins skin be looking so smooth this episode, this boy be wearing lots of Dove

- he looked so excited to be in the banquet, then arthur just fucking slashes him with “not quite” and his hopes and dreams are destroyed

- “wanna see what you’ll be wearing tonight?” arthur says as he's behind the fucking changing curtains, about to get undressed and show merlin his birthday suit

- i honest to god thought that was where he was going, but no, he was just getting something from behind it

- “tonight you’ll be wearing the official ceremonial robes of the servants of camelot” IT'S A FUCKING DRESS ISN'T IT

- aw damn id have preferred a dress

- that smile shared between them was the most adorable scene

- god

- i

- fucking

- love

- their

- smiles 

- sm

- best thing ive ever seen

- i mean… hunty look at that piece of glistening butter beauty

- wow ok back to the episode:

- bros being bros and giving each other a handshake to destroy the mortal enemy pack and put together a family, we stan.

- as if a servant who has only had eye sex with another servant ONCE would trust them enough to say that one of the chalices were poisoned. like??? “ur the only one i could tell” LMAO NO?

- she's a sly fucking dog tfbh

- “if he kills arthur, uthers soul will be broken and camelot will fall” at this rate uther prob wouldn't care if his son dies or not, look at him, he's already mentally broken. he has anxiety and paranoia over magic. child services where u at in the medieval ages?

- i wouldn't believe a word she said, or well, id have believed it was poisoned but id say yeah no damn way you aren't in on it if you know which one it is. bayard wouldn't tell a fucking servant.

- HE'S GONNA SNAP ISN'T HE

- MERLIN FUCKING SNAPPED

- yknow what we say here folks? U DO U MERLIN

- okay i was fine if uther made bayard drink it but like the moment uther said “mmmh… no.” and slowly turned to merlin i think my arteries just crunched together and died so

- “if it is poisoned, he’ll die” HE'S FUCKING SCARED MERLIN WILL PASS AWAY ISN'T HE?

- “it's fine” he says, then starts to fucking choke

- ah fuck he's down

- my boy is down

- FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A CHAINSAW

- ARTHUR CROUCHES NEXT TO HIM LIKE “BB NO”

- lmfao bayard looks so shocked, his face is in disbelief and confusion, he's like who tf done me bad

- arthurs carrying merlin fireman style this is what i live for folks

- did like nobody notice the flower stuck on the inside of the cup? like honestly if you take a sip you’d kinda spot it or perhaps even the person pouring the drinks would have been “is this chamomile tea? no? then what the fuckery-doo is this leaf in here for?” yknow. it's like that scene in Matilda when the angry buff lady completely missed a fucking salamander in her cup when it was the size of her bloody hand. it brings out the same mood honestly

- does gaius have an index for these books or does he just have every page memorised and know exactly what page to go bc I FUCKING NEED THAT it would make bio so much easier if i knew what page it was on instead of looking back and forth from the homework sheet to my textbook, then closing it by accident and having to find the index again for that specific page i need

- arthur wants to fucking go on a life-or-death journey to save merlin i've never been so happy

- this is honestly my favourite episode, like it may be really fucking angsty but i love it so much

- arthur betrays his dad and leaves his room even after being told not to just so he can save a servants life is literally my new moto

- NO IT WON'T LOAD MY NETFLIX IS STUCK ON 99%

- okay so while i'm waiting for my shit to load, i just discovered the new fucking tumblr rule starting dec 17 and i'm like 0.2 inches away from just spamming NSFW pics on here just for laughs

- like hunty, that won't stop people from posting elsewhere or for thinking about sex bc like??? whatchu gonna do tumblr?? get the fbi to erase it from our minds

- i think nOT thot

- watch me get flagged for just using the fucking term “NSFW”

- i'm gonna end up asterisking everything (is asterisking a word? wow it has red under it so like probably not but i just added it to my dictionary so uhh it is now)

- by asterisking i dont mean furry kin shit ew no

- i mean like N*FW, s*x, t*mblr, m*rthur

- god it took me like 20 minutes to calibrate my fucking wifi and fix the connection problem

- wow the stage for the poison increased by 75% in 30 mins, damn

- merlins like like having a conniption on his bed lmao, chanting arthurs name and sweating lot

- do we ever find out how uther gets that scar bc i'm like 100% positive arthur was a little child and swayed his fucking sword too hard just as uther rounded the corner. the sword then collided into his fucking brain and destroyed a good part of his intelligence, targeting especially his morals on how to accept people and how to be a good father

- that’s my theory

- merlin starts talking enchantments in his sleep while gwens watching, and gaius is just there like wtf merlin ur blowing ur cover “oh! gwen!! uhhh sorry. he’s just... in a latin study group in his pastime and has an oral presentation in minutes”

- omg, nimueh, stfu

- i didn't know dinosaurs existed back then, this reptile be whack

- y’know what's funny? ppl thinking dinosaurs didn’t exist. i find creationism very very very intriguing bc how fucking stupid could you be

- that sword throw was faker than my moms tits

- arthur could have done better

- k but like what if merlin’s hand wasn’t under the covers? like he was just throwing that blue ball around right in front of gwen

- can arthur like not hear her? nimuehs literally enchanting the rocks right behind his ear lobes and arthur acts nothing of it until those said rocks collapse and he gasps and suddenly he realises shes evil

- also his fucking hair in this scene looks glorious. perhaps bc it's pushed back rather than his bowl cut, but its doing things to my abdomen

- i thought for a second she was pulling off her mask to say “nimueh” and arthur was gasping bc he only recognised her after her hair was shown, just like in that scene with joker and harvey in the hospital

- OH RIGHT THE SPIDERS I LIKE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THOSE SONS OF A GUNS

- i’d be dead if those spiders came crawling up to eat me lmfao

- k so nimueh went from :) to >:D in half a second

- i'm smelling up those symbolisms, boys

- watch out pals cause here are some of them:

- merlin is the LIGHT of arthur’s life

- he LIGHTS up the party

- he gives arthur a BRIGHTER future

- he's the GUIDE for his path

- hahhahahaha

- i'm serious when i say i have a huge fear of insects (spiders count in that too, no discrimination) so i'm just putting that there, saying to yall id be fucking terrified

- gaius would be so confused, like we don't see his face here but merlins close-up sweaty concentrated frown, but he’s literally just screaming “ARTHUR!!” “FASTERRR!!” “YESS!!” “CLIMB!!!” gaius would be looking like he walked into something he wasn't supposed to. prob thinking he should just let the kid die so he doesn’t have to deal with this shit anymore

- UTHER LOCKED HIS SON AWAY I'M FUCKING QUESTIONING HIS PARENTING SKILLS

- that's grounding???? throwing ur child in prison???

- yes 999 can i have child services on his ass

- gwens so smart honestly i love her

- pretending to be a maiden for the food, god what a queen

- arthur buying it and saying “yuck you say this is food?! disgustang!”

- the fact that i misspelled disgusting but it autocorrected to disgustang (which is originally what i wanted but autocorrect shouldn’t have known) makes me consider if i should really check my dictionary…. who knows what words are on there

- they’re so smart

- and then this fucker ruins it all while eating his food, checking her out and saying yeah arthurs a prick, hyuck hyuck, realising only that wait fuck u aint the maiden

- how’d they know GWEN was the one not supposed to have delivered the food, what if it was that chick right there???

- welll….. maybe it's because gwen took her sweet time up those steps, staring as if she couldn’t blink at the guards below

- i forget what happens at the end of this episode besides the kiss, and there's like 9 minutes left my fingers may rot at this point

- wake him up! wake him up!

- OH WAIT HE DOESN'T FUCKING WAKE UP DOES HE AND EVERYONE PANICS

- YEAH OKAY I'M SEEING THAT NOW

- MERLIN STOPPED BREATHING

- LMAO GWEN IS IN TEARS

- “HE'S DEAD” SHE SAYS

- ARTHUR BB COME IN HERE TO KISS UR HUBBY ALIVE

- OH WAIT UR IN FUCKING PRISON

- WAIT UP, HE'S ALIVE AND SHE KISSES HIM AFTERWARDS????

- FUCK ME I THOUGHT FOR THE WHOLE EPISODE THE KISS HAPPENED BC HE COULDN'T WAKE UP THAT'S FUCKING WITH ME I DIDN'T KNOW

- i keep forgetting to switch up the cap locks, sorry if it seems im screaming im legit using my inside voice for most of the time just emphasizing my words a little more

- goddamn, everytime they say mercia i just think of “murica”, like those americans on the 7th of july or whatever date the “we love our country” day is, chanting it as they throw around beers and fireworks as people gather round in jerseys or crop tops

- it's not that hard to spot the european on here

- the most celebrated holiday here which contains a lot of beers and big pub gatherings (besides every fucking night honestly) is either new years, lowkey stereotypically correct saint patricks, and ig easter monday but that's more for the kiddos

- i mean ofc christmas and all that shit but im not the most devoted christian, i just like presents and small gatherings among good friends

- wow okay it wasn't the 7th of july

- i mean at first i looked up “USA day” (i couldn’t remember the name) and it popped up today’s date, and i was like no thats not it at all. dec?? its in like july i think. and i was close! it was july 4th.

- uther damn knows it's nimueh!!!

- i mean, he just overheard morgana and arthur talk about it, and initiated himself into a convo about it once morgana left, as his sneaky ass just slithered up like “hey man, u know that woman? yeah uhh, what she say? anything about me? no? k i know who it is tho”

- i thought he was going to apologize or like explain to arthur what's the sitch, but he just waits for five whole seconds before saying. “those who practice magic know only evil. they despise and seek to destroy goodness wherever they find it.”

- arthur, confused: sounds as if you know her

- uther, walking away: i do

- arthur:

- wow k lots of fucking quotes here cause it's the merthur reunion

- get ready babs

- arthur: still alive then?

- merlin: oh yes, just about… i understand i have you to thank for that

- arthur, leaning on the chair merlin is sitting in, stifling a smile: ah it's nothing, a half-decent servant is hard to come by. i was only dropping by to make sure you’re alright… i.... expect you to be back to work tomorrow

- merlin, watching arthur as he slightly walks away having embarrassed himself: arthur... thank you

- arthur, slowly: you too

- they stare for like 5 whole seconds

- arthur, uncomfortable: well… get some rest

- there we go folks: my eulogy.

- hope someone reads it at my funeral

[heir-of-the-founders]

Ok so both of my parents are assholes, but theyre very different kinds of assholes.

My mom likes to pretend that shes so kind and open and loving, but when i was 13 she took everything (literally everything) out of my room except 2 (thin) blankets, an alarm clock, and a single pillow. I didnt have a bed, i didnt have curtains for my window, no form of entertainment, she made me go to sleep at 7pm. I literally didnt even have a door. When i told her that i started getting a bunch of pain in my back and ribs from sleeping on the floor, and that i had seen a man outside one of my windows (they were taller and wider than me, there were two of them, both were pretty much ground level, and one of them didnt lock) she told me 'good, maybe it will help you learn your lesson' (Also, for the record, me seeing a man at my window isnt like,, odd. Like its cause for concern, but there was a really unstable meth addict that lived like 2 houses down and weve literally found him going through our vehicles before). Wanna know what i was getting punished for? I didnt clean my room. Thats it. I wasnt doing drugs or sneaking out or having sex or getting in fights. Not that that level of punishment is ever acceptable, but it would be more understandable. Nope. Didnt clean my room.

One time when i was like,, 12 i think? My uncle (who ive never met and lived in California) was getting married. My brother that i hadnt seen in years was going to be there. I was going to go. But then i forgot to take one of my dishes to the kitchen in a reasonable time. So i was sent to my dads for a week.

Honestly, just, like a bunch of stuff like that kept happening throughout my childhood.

She also used to sit on me (actually it was more of a straddling position) and hold my hands down and drip her spit into my eyes for hours as punishment. I dont even remember what for anymore tbh.

My dad, in the other hand, has always acknowledged hes an asshole. Hes racist, misogynistic, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, the whole shebang. But. He allows me freedom. Im allowed to come and go as i please. He doesnt punish me for things (i dont even do stuff that needs punishing imo), he doesnt yell or scream at me. Literally any bad stuff thats going on over here is my own fault. I nearly give myself panic attacks when he does the dishes, even though hes never once asked me to. But my mom would scream and yell and whine and complain for hours if i didnt help out, even though she would constantly criticize the way i did it.

Wanna know what i did? I slowly packed my things into my car by hiding them in my school bag and would unload them at the school. And then. On my birthday last year (oct of 2019) i just. Didnt come home from school. I left a note on my bed.

Oh! Actually, you wanna know what instigated that? I got in trouble for not cleaning my room. Again. I wasnt allowed to leave the house except for school.

Wanna know WHY i wasnt cleaning my room? I broke my fucking back. Literally. I fell off a fucking bridge and almost died and was in the hospital for two weeks. I had JUST started physical therapy, and was barely able to get through school because of how bad my back is/was. So yea, i really couldnt clean up after myself that much. I was also just starting to process the trauma of, ya know, almost dying, and my friend were helping me through that with weekly cuddle sessions, but i stopped being able to go to those.

Also, my sister and her family lives with my mom, which includes my sister, her husband, and their 7 children. 7. And i technically shared a room with one of them. And i have anxiety and depression and the screaming children 24/7 really wasnt good for my mental health. I tried explaining all this to my mother and she brushed it off as excuses to get out of trouble. She didnt believe i was in enough pain to warrant not cleaning my room even though i was taking 3 hospital strength (theyre huge) ibuprofen and had a script for oxy that i didnt take only because it made me sick and didnt help.

The last conversation i had with my mother? She pretended to be my niece and asked me when i was coming back. And when i told her i wasnt, she told me that i should when they (my sis and her family) moved out, and i said maybe because i dont have the capacity to deal with my mothers bullshit right now. Wanna know what she said?

"You are a bitch. Your neice loves and misses you and you don't seem to care. The only thing I have to do with it was when she was here telling me how much she misses you I handed her my phone and told her she could text you, to just let you know it was her."

Yea, 100% sure it wasnt actually my niece btw. So.

Anyway yea fuck strict parents. If youre not going to treat children like human beings with thoughts and emotions, maybe dont have one. We're not fucking pets.

[diaryofsecrecy]

It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...

Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea.  Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER.  They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...

Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖

The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.

To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years,  And on drugs.  She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out.  We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.

Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.

Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.

(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)

We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.

At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.

I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.

After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..

Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.

Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)

Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.

At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."

A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.

I am the problem..?

When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...

Rewind 1 week before house sitting;

1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.

We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.

God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.

Then, he was there, at our table?

He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.

He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.

This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?

When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world,  Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?

Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.

I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.

My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.

I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.

I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.

I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.

That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.

It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.

The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....

But that is because he doesnt See Me.

My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.

If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.

He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.

Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..

He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.

I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.

He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?

Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....

Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.

As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.

I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.

Ugh.

So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.

Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.

I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?

Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?

Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?

Suppose time will tell.

Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.

I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔

[kansascityhappenings]

After girl sees some kids at hospitals don’t have stuffed animals, she buys hundreds

CLEVELAND — Alex Walker has spent a lot of time in and out of hospital beds since she was diagnosed with epilepsy at just 11 months old.

“Her seizures were so bad, they would last over an hour, and you have to immediately call for an ambulance because she would stop breathing,” her mom, Melisa Walker, tells CNN.

Each time Alex went to the hospital, her best friend — a brown teddy bear named Sky Bear — went with her.

“He makes me feel very happy and not scared,” says Alex, 7, of the toy her dad bought before she was born.

Alex Walker, 7, and her father squeeze her teddy bears while she’s hospitalized for epilepsy. (Courtesy Melisa Walker)

Alex cuddles Sky Bear through doctor visits, squeezes him during shots. Nurses attach electrodes to Sky Bear to mimic what Alex is going through. Her parents bandage his head.

“She was so young and sick of sitting in a bed,” her mother recalls. “It’s the only way we could get her to get a head wrap on.”

A girl turns an observation into action

During one of her longer visits to Cleveland Clinic Children’s hospital, Alex noticed other kids didn’t have stuffed animals to cuddle.

“When we got in the car to go home, she was really quiet. Alex said she was worried about children still in the hospital,” Walker says. “She didn’t see them with their ‘friends.’”

Alex told her parents she wanted to bring her stuffed animals from home to give to other kids.

“I told her we probably couldn’t do that. Kids are sick, and the hospital won’t take used stuff,” says Alex’s mom.

She was right. Children with compromised immune systems can’t have used plush toys, which can carry germs, says Mischa Peterson, child life specialist at Cleveland Clinic Children’s.

“We don’t want to expose them to any increased risk of infection,” she says.

But the hospital would gladly accept new stuffed animals with the tags still on.

“There’s definitely a huge need for the stuffed animals — ‘comfort items,’ we call them,” Peterson says.

The hospital has lots of other toys that can be cleaned and reused, she says. But plushies are another story: Just one per patient, one use only.

“We always love when we get more because they go very quickly.”

An initial investment of $65 from a piggy bank

Alex, then 4, squirreled away her birthday dollars and other money she earned from little chores until she’d managed to save $65. Then, instead of spending it at Chuck E. Cheese’s, her favorite place, she wanted to buy teddy bears for the kids she’d left behind at the hospital.

“My heart just melted,” her mom says. “I was just overwhelmed by her wanting to do that at such a young age.”

She only delivered 13 bears on her first return to the hospital, Walker says, in some cases directly to children’s bedsides.

“You’d think she’d say, ‘Here’s a bear — bye!’ like a 4-year-old,” her mom recalls. “But she would talk to them.”

“I always tell them to just cuddle them and you won’t be scared anymore,” Alex tells CNN.

The other children would snuggle up to their plushies right away, get very quiet and say thank you, Walker recalls.

“And you back slowly out of the room,” she says.

A 20-year-old patient — children’s wards aren’t just for the very young — once saw Alex handing out bears and started to cry, then asked for one, too, Walker recalls.

“She still wanted (the) comfort of having something soft and cuddly to lay in bed with her,” Alex’s mom says.

“They provide support not just for kids but patients of all ages. They normalize the environment,” Peterson says. “That’s usually the first and biggest stressor, just a new environment — medical equipment everywhere, doctors.”

Alex Walker delivers stuffed animals to a Ronald McDonald House in Cleveland. (Courtesy Melisa Walker)

Since that day three years ago, Alex has managed to buy 400 plush toys, many of them bears but also “bunny rabbits, pigs — I like to give all different kinds,” the girl says. She paid for the stock with donations solicited by word of mouth and proceeds from tomato plants she grew and sold.

Once a month, Alex and her mom deliver them to a local Ronald McDonald House, Cleveland Clinic, other area hospitals, police and fire stations, women’s shelters and foster care programs.

“So kids can have a little friend for when they’re taken from their homes in a very traumatic situation,” Walker says.

Nurses also give out the stuffed animals Alex brings as rewards when kids have been brave through a procedure.

“It’s one more thing that can help them get through pain,” Peterson says.

GoFundMe Kid Hero for June

Private by nature, the Walkers realized a year ago that they were maxing out their donor base.

“It was hard to spread the word and get people to support it,” Walker says. “We don’t have 6,000 Facebook friends.”

So they started a GoFundMe campaign called “Alex’s Fluffy Buddies For Kids.” Money trickled in until this month, when GoFundMe noticed her sweet cause and made Alex their “Kid Hero” for June. Since then, more than $16,000 has poured in.

“These donations coming in not only takes stress off of us to support what she wants to do,” Walker says. “We want her to do it as long as she wants to. I think it’s important for kids to learn to be kind to other people.”

Alex hopes to use the money to package up toys and send them to young patients who need comforting in other states, so other kids can cuddle up with their own Sky Bears when they’re hurting or must be prodded or poked by nurses and doctors.

Alex says she hopes she can make a difference, “so they’ll be very happy and not scared.”

from FOX 4 Kansas City WDAF-TV | News, Weather, Sports https://fox4kc.com/2019/06/11/after-girl-sees-some-kids-at-hospitals-dont-have-stuffed-animals-she-buys-hundreds/

from Kansas City Happenings https://kansascityhappenings.wordpress.com/2019/06/12/after-girl-sees-some-kids-at-hospitals-dont-have-stuffed-animals-she-buys-hundreds/

[lxtor-moved-blog]

|| Im sorry but I just need to write this down. Don’t read... it just my bullshit

Im not in a mood to fully write down everything wrong but... Ok fuck it Ill just write what pops into my head... fuck it im done with holding shit back.

When I was growing up I had an older brother who was Autistic and Epileptic. If you dont know what those are here. 

autismˈɔːtɪz(ə)m/

noun

a mental condition, present from early childhood, characterized by great difficulty in communicating and forming relationships with other people and in using language and abstract concepts.

epilepsyˈɛpɪlɛpsi/

noun

a neurological disorder marked by sudden recurrent episodes of sensory disturbance, loss of consciousness, or convulsions, associated with abnormal electrical activity in the brain.

He was my older brother and I loved him to pieces but as it says it was hard for him to understand who I was to him. He wouldn't understand what emotions were, he didn’t know pain or anything like that. So from when I was little I was thought NOT to show anything or let anything out because he wouldn’t understand. He would physically hit me and hurt me but I couldnt show the pain or sadness because I was told I couldnt. I didn’t grow up like ‘NORMAL’ kids. I wasnt out playing with my friends or just having fun at hime, sure i had that happen some time but most of the time I was being told how to take care of my older brother in case my parents couldnt anymore. I was his protecter even though I was younger I was forced to become the OLDER one. 

But then when I was 10 and our family had gone to holiday in face like we always would... my older brother had a seizure in his sleep and clicked his tongue so hard that it flicked back and covered his passage way to breath... He died... at the age of 16.. the last person to be with him was me.. it was my job to bring him to bed and everything... I had been the last to seen my older brother alive. Why did I have to lose him ? he was so.. 

When this happened we couldnt go home so we had his funeral in france. He was cremated and that was it.. but I was 10.. and I hadn’t cried or anything. My older brother had died, my whole family were broken.. so was I but from how I was brought up.. from how I was told. I kept my emotions in and I dint show anything... I couldnt.

Then a year or so later my parent told me we were moving to australia... I have never really left home or my family. I was agenst it but still we went for a year and were still here. I love it here now but I still dont call it home. Ive made friends I will never lose, ive had a good time.

Around two year’s in I was still hiding everything and not letting anyone in to close to me just from everything but then I meet someone and they slowly began to brake my wall’s and mask. As that happen My friends were doing the same, I was opening up and finnaly feeling like i was changing for the better... but I was wrong.

Thing begain to get shittying again. I had graduated form High school and went into tafe where everything grew 10X harder. people who I thought were my friend’s began to leave me and back stab me. I was growing apart from my family. My 2 and a bit year relationship ended witch I guess to everything that had being piling up on me, the breakup made it all fall down.   

But do NOT get the wrong Idea. The brake up was needed to help them and i completely understand that but I just hurt me to no end. Im still hurt from it but I know its ok. My ex will forever be one of my closest friends and I would never want that to change. 

Just from how my life was getting shitter and shitter that just hit me and caused it to all brake. Here I am now, my mask I had thought as broken is piecing back together my walls are being repaired and I just... I cant deal with it again. I dont want to hid anything I want to be open but it just so hard.  

My closest friends seem to be leaving me because , we never see eachother anymore because of studies, then other are all just in really good relationships and dont need to talk to me anymore... it just... then they go tell me how great it is after ive just broken of my my long term one... not helping.

Only today had my mum, who never usually talks to me. Came in and asked me why i had BROKEN DOWN crying to my granny over the phone, I sat on my bead and bragin to cry. My family scare me... Im so scared to face them because in reality... I blame myself for a lot of the shit that has happened to use, I dont want to be with them because were so different. My dad who has been with me from day one isn't my blood dad but he is my younger brothers.

That alone make me feel different, the face im not blood related to my dad and only half to my brother. But more then that my parents still haven't told him about me being only technically his half sister and it kills me. Every day i feel like im lying to him .

But ever since my brother died I haven't been the best around topics to do with autism or epilepsy. I just begging to go quite and then just look down at the floor and never say anything. My mum and dad one day around 4 years ago told me that my other had one of the thing my brother had... My mother had epilepsy... what had killed my brother I had found out my mother had. I remember jsut yelling at them for not telling me then running up to my room and crying. And then jump a year or two my mum had to go to hospital because she got sick.. the nurse gave her the wrong medicine and my mother went into a state where she was have seizures constantly... they kept her in the hospital for a week... every day I would wake up and think.. “ has this shitty thing taken another person from my family?”  my mother is alright from it but.. i still get scared.

This is getting long and my eyes hurt alot from crying... if you made it to here... wow. Thanks for reading my shit... I just ugh. Anyway... 

Ill be ok... Im always am I just be locking away my emotions and shit again... 

Bye for now.. well from this post i mean... 

I dont know how to end... sorry.

[dramaplatters]

Porn Prom Onlaweng EP2 Aom Aom Sushar Bella Vanita Boy Pakorn Chop Kong Kong Sorawit Suboon Numpeung Oh Pongpudpunth Mayurin Pronprom Ao La Waeng Romance Samutkojorn Niti Sapunpohng Anuchit Thai Thai Lakorns Thailand Porn Prom Onlaweng EP2 In the hospital both May's & Tan Yongs heart stops they hug each other Tan Yong hugs May to support to like a mother does to her child for her not be scared They both try to reach out to their parents while in a spirit form but only they can see or hear each other. When Tan Yong was supporting May all of a sudden she disappeared from her arms. Wee is trying to restart Mays heart. But Mays heart stops.. They try the defibrillator and hardly managed to start her heart. At the same time their pulse is back. After docs started their hearts Now Tan Yong is in Mays body Tan Yong is still unconscious. By the surgery room both of their parents were waiting impatiently May has totally changed as Long is in her body she has adult mannerisms May wakes up from bed and asks Wee whos he lol? She even talks about the liquor she had the other night could be the reason for her headache Poor Wee is puzzled :P When May / Tan Yong wanted look into mirror she realised that shes in Mays body She tells the maid that she doesnt want to eat rice porridge and send her off so she can use the phone. She calls her friend telling that shes Tan Yong but her voice is the voice of a little girl so she got scolded. She refuses other people feeding her :) When Piram came to see Tan soon after him that cheap sec also came and dropped the bomb that shes his wife. So ofcourse the friend got angry.. We see Vin Wees bestie kindergarten teacher brought a stuffed doll I think its the Elmo from the Muppets to May / Tan :) When Wee told Vin dont make yourself difficult next time bec May doesnt like these stuff anymore. Hahaha but May / Tan told him its alright she likes it :p Wee asks if Vin remember the girl they met at the hotel the other night Vin says the beautiful girl with no manners that moment May butts in and tells them that shes that woman but she got scolded again not to put her nose into adult matters poor girl :D Vin meets Tans friends whos a kindergarten teacher who works with Vin.. They also bicker May asks her parents to go and have a rest that she can stay by herself Wee is so caring whenever he had a chance he gives love to his niece When Wees colleague visits May she said oh she is your girlfriend isnt she :) but another scold about to come Because nearly every single lady who works at the hospital has a crush on Wee they bring gifts to May :P When May thanked to the secretary who told the nurses around her to go she thanked her by calling sis the secretary was so happy but what she doesnt know is its not May its Tan saying sis lol Poor Mays parents they think that theres something wrong with May mentally. Finally theyre sending May home. Tan / May saw her parents called them but they just ignored & smiled Prim enters to Tans room with flowers and tells her parents that its because of him shes in that condition While in the car Mays mother tells her that theyre on their way to home When they arrived home shes been asked if she remmeber her home. she says how could she its her first time this time Wee told her maybe youll remember if you see your BBF She wonders whos her BBF (come on hun it was easy even I guessed it before seeing the next scene a dog ofcourse a little girls bbl is always a doggie) Even the dog was not really responding to May as she sensed that its not May in that body hehe She went inside asked is that my house? She also greeted her granny she apologised . When Wee gave her kisses she doesnt want him to give him kisses She no longer wants to be baby sitted :D she made this clear when she asked the babysitter following her costantly She even said I dont like big dogs to her dog and the dog went away She said she doesnt like cookies and refused to cookies and juice Her mother is worried She refused her ma to sleep with her she wants to bath herself lol She even told her babysitter that May is possessed by another girls spirit She scared the babysitter heheh She wanted face cleansing foam from the babysitter but then she said she is joking.. She didnt want to give a hug to her dad she gave one to her ma she said she just took a bath.. The evil auntie comes to cause trouble.. Prims secretary mistress still causing problems. He goes to hospital asks about her health to doc he learns shes not awake yet but doc asks him not to lose his hopes. Hes upset and almost about to cry if you loved her this much why did you go and sleep with that woman lets say youve done that mistake once and why did you continue sleeping with that town bike. Oh forgot to mention May is attending to Vins kindergarten The little girl who plays May is so talented wi/o her this lakorn wont be this much funny.. I dont know how is it gonna be possible to enjoy the romance when we see everything is in between an uncle & a little girl because Tan Yong is in Mays body so all the things happens between May & Wee not actually the adult Tan Yong & Wee. Town Bike is referred to the ladies who sleeps with every Tom Harry and Dick Asian TV Dramas (C, K, Taiwanese,Thai Lakorns) http://j.mp/2iWAifX Drama Platters